Idyllbeast

The Beast Who Fell To Earth

2012-01-19T02:27:00.000-08:00

This morning I was awoken by a curious scratching sound and a thump on the front porch. It was a little early for the UPS man, but I went downstairs and opened the door. I could have sworn I saw a furry figure vanish into the forest, and when I looked at my feet, I saw a manuscript tied up with string on the door mat. I took it inside and began reading. It turned out to be a “treatment” and screenplay for a very unusual psychological horror story.

In keeping with our practice of never abusing the attention of our gentle readers, I here reproduce the treatment alone. I think it conveys an accurate impression of the script.

THE BEAST WHO FELL TO EARTH

Opening shots, forested mountain. Birds sing, a creek chatters, squirrels gossip, a coyote saunters warily. A furry biped is carrying a handful of berries and tubers. He approaches a Heidi Beast and a Cub, both intent upon the grinding of acorns. Scenes of domestic tranquility.

Night in the forest. The Beast family sleeps peacefully.

As the Beast sleeps he dreams…

A human face at the mirror, shaving. The man (the Hunter) walks downstairs past mounted antlers and animal heads. He takes a few bites of his breakfast and throws the rest down a noisy garbage disposal. He gets into a truck, starts up its smoke belching engine, and heads for the mountains.

We see the man taking a huge rifle out of its bag and heading up a trail. Soon shots echo through the valley and creatures are falling. The hunter beheads their lifeless bodies and leaves the good parts there to rot.

The Idyll-Beast wakes up in a cold sweat, his pulse racing. He jumps up and realizes it was only a dream…

But then while eating breakfast he hears a rifle shot… or was it only thunder?

The next night he dreams again. He again looks a strange face in the mirror as it emerges from shaving cream. This man (the Truck Driver) goes downstairs and kicks his dog. He treats his mate little better, and twists the ear of his child. He gets into a smoke-belching truck and heads onto the freeway, cursing the other drivers and honking his horn.

The Beast again wakes with a start. His mate is now concerned, and they attempt to comfort one another. At lunch he hears what sounds like the air horn of the truck in his dream. Or was it a bird?

The dreams continue: a doctor performing cruel experiments on monkeys, a farmer keeping pigs on a factory farm, a politician accepting bribes from the owner of a meat-packing consortium, a child who sets ants on fire with a magnifying glass, pulls his cat’s tail and pins butterflies to cards.

Increasingly agitated the Beast seeks solitude in a strange part of the forest., journeying further than he ever has before. He sits down to rest. Suddenly he feels a prick in his shoulder and sees a little colored dart sticking out of his furry flesh. He becomes dizzy and falls to the forest floor. Before he loses consciousness he sees emerging from behind a tree…. The Hunter!

When he regains consciousness he is bound and being carried from the Hunter’s truck to another larger vehicle. At the wheel… the Truck Driver!

They take him to a laboratory where the doctor removes his mask to reveal… the frightened face of …the Experimenter…

Finally the Beast ends up in a cage at a circus side show. A curtain rises and the other monsters from his dreams are crowded around, gawking with open mouths and looks of fear…

False ending. Fade to black.

Then we see the Hunter waking from a dream, shaking and screaming, sweat soaking his night shirt.

The Truck Driver also wakes in the cab of his truck, and notices he has wet his pants.

The Experimenter leaps from his bed, clutching his heart, eyes popping in horror. One after another the monsters waken in fear and trembling as the credits roll.

THE END

Film makers interested in optioning the script should contact the Idyll-Beast Research Center. I think it could be a monster.

That Would Be Scary

2012-01-17T15:14:00.000-08:00

This last weekend the Third Annual Idyllwild International Festival of Cinema rolled out the red carpet. Locals and visitors alike sampled a wide range of hits and near misses: Documentaries, mysteries, dramas, comedies, movies about animals eating people... Something for everyone. Indeed, the Saturday night screening of Ben Cooper's "Primitive" drew a familiar furry presence out of the forest and into the Rustic Theater. Bystanders report the Idyll-Beast was there in his official capacity as a member of the Board of Directors of the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce.

At first seating himself (with a large bucket of "delicious" popcorn) at the rear of the theater, he soon noticed Chamber Mascot Steve Moulton and joined him.

In an interview Steve stated:

The Beast offered me some of his popcorn, but when I tried it I got a mouthful of fur. Those paws of his get fur in everything. The Beast seemed really interested in a film that he had heard was "about eating," but seemed a little disappointed by the film's "stereotypical depiction of fur-covered Americans." After about a half hour he stopped eating his popcorn and never finished. I think he stayed until the end just to be polite. When the lights came up I wasn't sure what to expect. He hemmed and hawed a little bit, complimented the acting and direction, the cinematography and especially the music. "Very professional." Before he left he said something about "just for once they should make a film about an animal that dreams he is a human and does terrible things. That would be scary."

Philosophy and the Beast

2011-12-19T11:06:00.000-08:00

The Idyll-Beast are a philosophical species and through the centuries distinct schools of thought have emerged from their attempts to treat life’s most pressing questions. In general, Beast Philosophy is divided into Epistemology, Metaphysics, Ethics and Gastronomy.

Epistemology deals with questions of knowability: How do we know if an object or being is delicious? Can we truly know if it is delicious without eating it? What if we are deprived even of the sense of smell?

Metaphysics deals with the nature of reality and our minds. Is deliciousness an inherent quality of a thing-in-itself, or does it only exist in the mind (and mouth) of the philosopher?

Ethics treats our behavior as if affects other beings. Is there a Gastronomical Suspension of the Ethical? Does deliciousness transcend ethics? How should we divide shared snacks?

Gastronomy is considered the foundation of Beast philosophy and has many applied and theoretical divisions. Its empirical branches include anatomy, chemistry, physics, geometry and sleight-of-paw. Theoretical topics center around nature/nurture theories of deliciousness, Speculative Gastronomy, Criticism and Analysis.

The Idyll-Beast believe that philosophy exists to sharpen the mind as well as the appetite, and that the examination of insoluble questions teaches humility as well as table manners.

INN-POSSIBLE

2011-12-10T15:45:00.000-08:00

The Beast watching community will be out in force this Tuesday night, the 13th of December. That's the night of one of Idyllwild's newest traditions, the Inns of Idyllwild Holiday Open House and Tour. Reliable sources report that last year's tour included snacks at each stop, and the these snacks were delicious. Circumstances seem just right for Idyll-Beast sightings.

This year there will be 11 stops:

Apple Blossom Inn
Creekstone Inn
Fern Valley Inn
Fireside Inn
Idyllwild Inn
Peaceful Mountain Inn
Quiet Creek Inn
Rainbow Inn
Silver Pines
Strawberry Creek Bunkhouse
Strawberry Creek Inn

Investigators are readying their cameras in hopes of catching a glimpse of "the most famous animal in our forest." The tour will last from 5-8PM, and those with canned food or toys will find drop boxes for donations to assist the Help Center in providing a little Holiday cheer for our less fortunate neighbors.

Award-Winning Journalism

2011-11-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

Idyllwild was recently visited by a crack team of investigative reporters from KPSP Channel 2’s “Eye on the Desert.” These intrepid news-people were on the track of the Idyll-Beast, the animal and the cultural phenomenon. Their hard work paid off handsomely and the results are astounding. The video has been captured and is resting comfortably on the YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNLJUxdduQc

It is a sympathetic but clear-eyed look at the facts and opinions surrounding the Beast and its role in our local culture and economy. Interviews include Café Aroma’s Chef de Cuisine Francis Machine and server Chenay, a Harley riding Beast hunter, and yours truly in my official capacity as Director of the Idyll-Beast Research Center.

The news team took the time to go beyond idle speculation and man-on-the-street sound bites, venturing out into our forest to seek evidence of its most famous resident. Viewing the footage myself for the first time I was impressed with the skill with which a sometimes-rambling interview was distilled into its most important elements. These people ask the right questions and know gold when they find it. From a videographic point of view the segment also broke new ground. Some would say it is the most provocative crypto-zoological evidence since the Patterson/Gimlin footage.

Our heartfelt thanks go out to Carolyn Moloshco of Channel 2 and her technical crew. You are truly friends of Idyllwild. And friends of the Idyll-Beast.

Animal Control

2011-10-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

. Recent tragic news from Ohio reminded our researchers of a series of events that unfolded in our own community not so many decades ago. A local business-man who was acting as director of the Idyll-Beast Research Center had started what he called a “Zoo” but county agents declared a “hoard.” Instead of the usual animals, like lions, tigers and bears, he had procured members of the Board of Directors of the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce. The “collection” started with at-large directors and soon the President, Secretary, Treasurer and both Vice Presidents were ensconced in chain-link enclosures out behind the Research Center. Animal Control officers responded to complaints about noise and smell from neighbors and discovered deplorable conditions: creatures stressed by confinement in cages adjoining those of natural predators suffered so much stress that their hair was falling out in clumps. Some of the animals had chewed each other’s tails off. (Chamber watchers say this is where the custom of chamber directors appearing tailless first began.) As for sanitary conditions, the less said the better.

Citations from the county began to pile up, and finally the sheriff was called in to arrest the amateur “zoo-keeper.” Tensions ran high as the possibility of an armed stand-off loomed. When the SWAT team finally entered the offices of the Idyll-Beast Research Center, the zoo-keeper was nowhere to be found. A quick investigation revealed that the animals had all been released, the cage doors left open. A tattered jacket and shreds of what was believed to be the zoo-keeper’s clothing were found outside the cages.

Now the Animal Control Services’ own SWAT team sped into action, fanning out through the valley with nets and tranquilizer darts. Humane traps were placed outside meeting places frequented by the Directors, baited with grant money and Certificates of Appreciation. Finally, on the third Monday of the month, the whole menagerie was captured without incident outside the Water District meeting room. The town’s nightmare was over, and residents could get some sleep.

It took many years to repair the rift between the Idyll-Beast Research Center and the Chamber of Commerce. We are happy to say relations are now once again cordial. Not only is the Director of the Research Center an officer of the Chamber, but an Idyll-Beast has been elected to the Board. And we understand why community support for our proposed Beast Cove Petting Zoo has been hard to come by.

Zeke Remembers: Our Proudest Chapter

2011-07-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

Readers: From time to time, we hand over this space to our "Rememberer in Chief," Zeke. He remembers things no one else has heard of, and is a living relic of bygone times. Today he discusses the "Beast Flag Republic." Memories made timely by recent events....

Now-a-days folks are talking about secession. And not just in Texas. With the “sesquecentenial” of the Civil War some say the South will rise again. Or take one long step off a short pier and into the historical mire.

Idyllwild has had its share of brave separatists throughout its history, and most have at some point cloaked themselves in the Beast Flag. This was inspired by the California Republic flag, or vice versa. Some say Northerners who’d never seen an Idyll-Beast saw the Beast Flag, liked the color scheme, and slapped a then more common “beast”, the Grizzly Bear, in the place of honor.

June 14^th 1846 is the date usually ascribed to both the Northern Rebellion against Mexico and the local Beast Flag Rebellion. The two groups were apparently in communication, part of a network of insurrectionists. Although the Bear Flag over Sutter's Fort was replaced with the Stars and Stripes twelve days later, the Beast Flag lasted longer. Being beneath the notice of the powers that were, the flag continued to wave over the valley until someone stole it. The original may still be in some local attic or man cave. Or maybe in that shed out behind the Town Hall where the Chamber of Commerce keeps its ritual implements, next to the Lost Ark of the Chamber Bylaws.

Since the “Rebellion” was never officially put down, its leaders continued to exert influence in local affairs. They formed a group that sometimes met publicly, sometimes in secret, depending on the spirit of the times. Referred to as the “Ancient and Honorable Order of the Idyll-Beast” they are the closest thing Idyllwild has to Freemasons. Outside the Rotary Club, that is.

Considered by some to be Enlightened Business Men, by others irreligious subversives, the group has passed down secret rituals and symbols from generation to generation. Few among the living still know the special handshake. They say Hill Champion lost his eye sight learning it. Not for the faint-of-heart. From time to time members of this arcane brotherhood have hoisted the Beast Flag as a reminder of our independent spirit.

The story goes that the very first Idyll-Beast Festival grew out of one of these “rebellions.” In 1911 (or there-abouts) a group of local businessmen banded together and once more ran “Idy” up the flag pole. Their complaints included excessive taxation, fiscal irresponsibility in Sacramento, and the high price of paregoric. This time word spread to the Capitol and the State Militia was sent in to put down the scrappy secessionists. As word of the approaching squadron reached Idyllwild, locals banded together to seek a way to avoid armed conflict. In a stroke of home-spun genius, the revolt was rebranded as the “Idyll-Beast Festival.” Banners were hung around the entrances to town, programs printed, events (including the first “Miss Idyll-Beast Pageant”) were hastily arranged. The invading troops were invited to a weekend of music, arts and crafts and cheap beer. (But not so cheap that local innkeepers didn’t make a tidy profit.) The festival ended up lasting into the coming week, and another contingent of troops had to be sent in to shut down the taverns and drag the hung-over soldiers back to their barracks.

He who makes a Beast of Himself...

2011-07-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

We at the Idyll-Beast Research Center are looking forward with keen anticipation to the upcoming Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce Director's Installation Dinner (Wednesday July 13th, 6 pm, Jo'Ans, $15, no host bar...) As the Idyll-Beast was among the top vote-getters in the balloting, knowledgeable researchers will be awaiting the Beast's appearance. Informed sources theorize that the dinner will be "delicious."

The true highlight of the evening is bound to be the visit by County Supervisor Jeff Stone. All eyes are on the Supervisor these days following his bold proposal for the secession of 13 Southern California counties, to form a new state separate from Sacramento and the North. Look it up, curious people. Although the Chamber of Commerce has yet to release a statement pro or con, and the Idyll-Beast Research Center is not a political organization, we do have a suggestion for a flag for the new state...

A Face Only A Mother Could Love

2011-05-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

Above we see a photo from one local eatery where two mothers shared the joy of a visit from the Idyll-Beast. The Beast looks happy too.

Mother's Day is a holiday apart for the Beast community. Mothers are among the most important animals in our forest, closer than other creatures to the mysteries of life... and deliciousness. And mothers have a special appreciation for the Idyll-Beast. Generations of mothers have used stories of the Beast to encourage proper comportment among their little ones. Very few behavioral issues can't be cleared up by a little visit from "uncle Idy."

Sales of Mother's Day cards were brisk this year at the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe. Favorites included "When I Think of Delicious... I Think of You," and "The World is Full of Mysterious Creatures... You're My Favorite." A selection of heartwarming messages are available. Say it with crypto-zoology. When you care enough to send the very Beast.

And Now a Word from the Candidate

2011-04-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

Delicious. That is my vision of Idyllwild. I have seen the cities “down there”, grey and flavorless places where the befuddled masses scurry to-and-fro and the only “idling” is that of their innumerous automobiles. The closest most of them come to nature is the salad bar at “Souplantation.” They hunger for the peace of mind that foraging in our savory mountain community brings. As town mascot I will personally welcome the most delicious visitors. It would be an honor to serve such a tasty constituency. My paws tremble at the thought of the responsibility. If elected I will work tirelessly to spread our “gospel of deliciousness.”

BEAST PAC

2011-04-12T21:25:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in an earlier post, the directors appointed at the March public meeting of the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce will stand for election, with the ballots to be mailed this month and the new terms to begin on July 1^st. The top 4 vote-getters will be seated for 3 year terms, the next group of 4 for 2 year terms, and the remaining Directors for 1 year terms. Among the candidates is an Idyll-Beast, and we at the Idyll-Beast Research Center believe that a more representative Board will lead to a better Idyllwild... or at least to more entertaining meetings.

Campaigning has already begun. Contributions for “Beast PAC” (a Non-Connected Political Action Committee conducting political advocacy on behalf of the Idyll-Beast Research Center) are being received at the Museum and Gift Shoppe. Funds will go towards transportation for Idy, delicious snacks for meetings, advertising, security, grooming for the candidate, vaccinations, chew toys, etc.

This is your chance to be in on the ground floor of the most important political movement to sweep Idyllwild since… well, since the Beastly Pines incident. Our speech writers are now formulating a candidate’s statement.

The Other Paw has Dropped

2011-03-29T14:15:00.000-07:00

Reports are filtering in about last night’s Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce meeting. Director Nick Todd announced new directors, who will fill empty seats until the next election, and included among the names was that of an Idyll-Beast. We at the Idyll-Beast Research Center applaud the farsightedness of the present board. Idyllwild’s history, like that of America, is a tale of ever increasing inclusiveness, as formerly marginalized groups are brought into the franchise, accepted as full citizens. First Steve Moulton and now the Idyll-Beast. The Chamber is now officially safe for cave dwellers.

The Beast made several motions, (none of them threatening) during the meeting. First he suggested that all Chamber bussiness at public meetings be conducted by sock puppets. Should a Director be unable to afford a sock puppet (or lacking in dexterity or socks) one will be provided by the Idyll-Beast Research Center. This would definitely help to make these meetings the kind of family-friendly entertainment this town needs on Monday nights. The Beast also suggested that “tasty snacks” be “invited” to all future meetings. Both these motions will be considered and put to the vote at the next meeting.

Until then keep thinking of spring, people.

Idyll-Beast Sighted at District 3 Economic Forum

2011-03-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

Once again an Idyll-Beast was sighted at an event linked to the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce. This Thursday the Soboba Country Club hosted the District Three Economic Forum. Chamber Director Steve Moulton was seen pulling into the Idyll-Beast Research Center Resort Sanatorium around 5:30 AM that morning, and it is likely that he and his henchman Peter Buhl lured the beast into the car with promises of a buffet breakfast. During the event the Beast was seen seated at the table set aside for Idyllwild Chamber members quietly munching from a well stacked plate of sausage (“Succulent!), and bacon (“Crispy!”).

Speakers included Sheriff Sniff, the County Controller, the Assessor, the Tax Collector, and Supervisor Jeff Stone. The creature displayed super-human patience during the seemingly interminable speeches, filled with random statistics, pie charts and graphs. It did seem to take an interest in Supervisor Stone’s description of the new Mount San Jacinto Junior College Animal Campus, and also perked up when photographs of Idyllwild were flashed on the screen.

Why would an Idyll-Beast be interested in human politics? Could it be the aroma? Or could his appearance just be an attempt by Chamber Directors to fill an empty seat?

An Idyll-Beast at the Los Angeles Times Travel and Adventure Expo

2011-03-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

The Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce had a (furry) presence at this year’s “Los Angeles Times Travel and Adventure Exposition”, thanks to their partnership with the Inland Empire Tourism Council. The Council provided a colorful booth featuring images of Inland Empire Tourism, and staffed by a team of well scrubbed professional Pirates courtesy of piratesforhire.com. Our Chamber provided something none of the other exhibitors had: a living, breathing Idyll-Beast.

I was not aware that the inland empire had a pirate problem, but the buccaneers explained to me that there is a local tie-in with the “Pirates of the Carribean” franchise: some of the scenes were actually filmed near Palmdale. The pirates were very welcoming, to the point of adopting the Idyll-Beast as one of their own. The Beast has a very evolved sense of humor and took no offense at their “salty” remarks about “house training” and “furballs.” There may have been a bit of friendly rivalry, as it seems the most delicious looking visitors preferred to have their photos taken with the Idyll-Beast. It is probable that most of them already have pictures of themselves with Pirates.

The Beast handed out postcards (the new ones include an invitation to this summer’s “100^th annual Idyll-Beast Festival”) and posed with the more photogenic visitors. He is getting to be quite skilled at answering questions, and was able to point curious attendees to the stack of Visitors Guides and other attractive propaganda supplied by local chamber members. The postcards and visitor guides disappeared as fast as I could replenish them, so there is reason to hope that people are ready to hear our message. They certainly are ready to embrace the Beast.

Spreading the Gospel of Delicousness.

2011-03-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

In a fit of civic mindedness I recently agreed to supply an Idyll-Beast to supplement the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce presence at this weekend’s “Los Angeles Times Travel and Adventure Exposition.” Idyll-Beasts are not known for their love of long drives, so I was somewhat apprehensive about the outing. In fact I got little sleep the night before, and morning found me drained and edgy. After I (somehow) finished my usual Saturday morning gig at Cafe Aroma, I headed back to the Research Center to capture a "volunteer."

I laid out several trays of canapés, one with salmon and goat cheese, another with bacon and shrimp, in the back seat of the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce "Limousine" (which we also use to haul trash to the dump), left the door open, and started in with the Idyll-Beast calls. It wasn't long before “Idy” lumbered out of the forest and after an initial inspection entered the limo and began sampling. The creature didn't even know we were moving until the canapés were gone, somewhere west of Hemet. So far so good. The Beast, having eaten his fill, actually began to nap.

After a little over two hours we arrived at the convention center. I loaded up my back pack with attractively printed propaganda the Chamber had provided, grabbed an additional tray of Beast snacks and postcards, and proceeded to "herd" Idy toward the convention hall. I quickly came to a shocking realization. No one seemed to know anything about the Travel exposition. Instead, the center was booked for something called the “Religious Education Congress.”

My mistake sickened me. Yes, I had read "LA Convention Center" when preparing my plan for the weekend, but somehow I had thought "Anaheim Convention Center." Where I now was… with 40,000 Catholics and a loose Idyll-Beast. Which incidentally had no trouble getting through security even without an exhibitor’s pass. If only I could take one of these creatures with me to the ariport.

I ran through my options. If I could get Idy back in the car and if I could make my way north through afternoon traffic we would arrive at the correct location an hour before closing…maybe. My mind was still reeling with the implications of my stupidity when I found myself being inexorably drawn into the “Nation’s largest gathering of Roman Catholics.” My blood ran cold when I realized that I had lost sight of the Idyll-Beast among the milling attendees.

I plunged into the mass of believers and after a few terrifying moments found Idy, perfectly at ease, working the crowd. And the crowd seemed surprisingly responsive.

Desperation is the handmaiden to inspiration. If there is one thing I have learned at the Idyll-Beast Research Center (and at the Chamber of Commerce) it is that the Beast moves in mysterious ways. Perhaps we were in the right place after all. I myself am not a religious man, but the Idyll-Beast is said to be "catholic" in its tastes. And indeed there was something “pastoral” in the sight of this furry emissary of Idyll-life working his way through the movers and shakers of the archdiocese. I think Archbishop Gomez kissed his hand! I felt like I was trying to keep up with Bill Clinton at a Little Rock Rotary Club barbecue.

I began to think; weren't we missionaries? Was not our gospel of deliciousness one for all nations? Who was I to turn my back on my neighbors, so obviously in need of rest, relaxation and snacks? I waded in after him, handing out brochures from local inns and copies of the "Idyllwild Life" visitor’s guide. The people seemed grateful, or at least curious.

The afternoon became a blur of fur and vestments. Idy ducked in and out of a number of workshops. There was one called "How to Have Supper" in which a well-fed pastor discussed the "theology of food." This seemed to keep Idy's attention for almost as long as that package of beef jerky in the back seat of the limo. There was another workshop called "Feed the Shepherds or They'll Eat the Sheep: Nurturing Healthy Ministers;" this the Beast found disappointing.

To make a long story short I did manage to get Idy back in the car. Except for the episode with the communion wafers things went quite well. But don't be surprised if Idyllwild is visited by a bus-load of singing nuns.

Tomorrow: An Idyll-Beast at the Los Angeles Times Travel and Adventure Exposition (at the Los Angeles Convention Center).

Your Tax Dollars at Work!

2011-03-14T01:15:00.000-07:00

As some readers may know, supervisor Stone provided assistance that allowed our Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce to send "emissaries" to the Riverside County Fair and Date Festival. The Chamber assembled a colorful and informative booth stocked with literature describing the attractions in our local community, including opportunities for leisure, recreation and snacking.

The booth was staffed by volunteers, and on at least two occasions the Idyll-Beast Research Center managed to produce an actual Idyll-Beast to add a little local color to the event. Our furry good-will ambassador invited the most "delicious" looking fair-goers to visit Idyllwild. "These tasty looking morsels. they must be your offspring? Look me up when you're in town!"

Those accosted seemed delighted by the attention, especially the children. Dozens of families took home pictures of themselves with the Beast (for evidence) and the Beast apparently took home a few phone numbers from the ladies (for research.)

Thank you Supervisor Stone, and Thank you Idy.

freshly decanted evidence

2011-01-20T19:40:00.000-08:00

Beast watchers:

This has just come in, an image circulating on the facebook. Its low resolution does not allow us to read the label on the bottle, but the wine does seem to be from Middle Ridge Winery and the color suggests meritage. Analysis shows someone has retouched the creature’s nose to take some of the shine off.

The Beast's fur appears almost feather-like, and the shape of the face implies a kinship with the owl. One can assume that the meritage would go with beast or fowl. He or she appears either to be toasting or examining the color of the wine. But shouldn’t they be holding it up to the light?

Research often develops questions as much as it defines answers. What kind of questions you ask goes a long ways towards determining what kind of answers you’ll get. It also depends on who you ask. Comments from photographers and vintners will be welcomed.

From the Archives of the Idyll-Beast Research Center

2010-12-23T14:49:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of Holiday sharing, we at the Idyll-Beast Research Center have opened up our archives to "re-gift" some of the data that has come our way. Last year we interviewed long time local Pat Ladd about his experiences with our furry neighbors on the hill. His reports are real eye-openers, and advance the cause of scientific inquiry. They are presented to you un-retouched, raw material for future researchers.

Thank you Pat, and thank you Idyllwild.

Witness: Pat Ladd
Interview date: 1/5/2010
This happened 5 or 6 years ago. The first sighting was off of Fobes Ranch Road. Down the dirt road off the right-hand side, 2-3 miles in. There was a creek back there where we went to look for rocks, me and John Schroke. You can polish and sell them. We saw multiple tracks, different sizes, big and little ones. They weren’t bear and they weren’t human, they were too big. Little ones all the way up to ones too big to be human. They were fresh. We went and brought the ranger back to show him. He didn’t know what they were, no idea. John made plaster casts of them with dry-wall plaster he had in his truck. Those cast are now lost, lost in a marriage break-up thing.

A month later we came back to the same area. There are some really beautiful rocks for carving and selling there. Crystals too. I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. That’s when I tapped john on the shoulder, I said:
“look over there!”
“No that’s just red shank [a kind of tree]” he says.
“No, look right there”
“Oh my God.”
We backed out of there slowly. It was not growling but sneering, showing its teeth like a dog threatening or warning. So we backed out and split, a half mile to the truck.

The next sighting happened probably 4 years ago, maybe 3 and 1/2. I was going down to Clifford Dorn’s by the Boy Scout camp. Back side of Garner Valley, over the Hill off Morris ranch Road, We were driving along and I said “Stop the truck right here.” I pointed to it and he saw it.
“That’s just a tree trunk.”
I said “Watch this!”
I got out of the truck and shook my hands and ass, and it did the same thing right back, raised its hands and shook its ass, like it was mocking me. It didn’t look angry. It just turned and walked off. It was just sunning itself watching the road, across the canyon about 200 yards away, close to the Scout camp.

Another one that happened 3 or 4 years ago, we were living on South Circle. Jeff (Harron, Harrison?) was camping out over on Strawberry Creek, by the Church Camp. One morning, sun barely up, he came pounding on the door, saying “Pat, Pat, you’re not going to believe this!”
“What?”
“A Bigfoot stole my sleeping bag!”
It shook him by the feet and he back-pedaled out of it thinking it was a bear. Then he saw it was not a bear, it was upright. Not a bear, not human, it was Bigfoot. He was pretty adamant about it.
He told other stories; one of them stole a chicken from his open fire, that same year. He heard something in the bushes. He went to his tent to get his gun… and turned to see this thing take the chicken off his fire.
He also recalled the time one of the creatures spooked a horse he was riding.

Another person that’s seen them is Old Bruce, of Val and Bruce’s market down by Mountain Center. He sells roasted nuts and beef jerky down by the highway. They broke into his store. He thought it was people and went upstairs to get his gun. It was this big hairy thing, not human, not any other animal from around here. They had lots of incidents, cabins broken into.

Clifford too has seen a lot of them. He was a trailblazer, knows every inch of the back country up here. So did I, back in the day. He’s seen whole families, groups of them.

Isn't She Lovely

2010-12-05T23:32:00.000-08:00

Our researchers recently uncovered this treasure, a "lively portrait" of one of history's most spellbinding Idyll-Beasts, Barbara Ursler. Born in Augsburg "High Germany," she married a dutch man who "exhibited" her throughout Europe and England. Eventually she disappeared and is believed by some investigators to have escaped with Spanish explorers and made her way to the new world, eventually settling in the mountains of "Alta California." Barbara is here seen with a small pipe organ, on which she was proficient. The portrait transports us back in time. Imagine being among the select audience at one of her concerts. The grace of her figure, the wisdom of her gaze, the allure of her furry shoulders. And then the music begins....

Season's Beastings

2010-11-21T00:35:00.000-08:00

Researcher Paul Carmen submitted this evidence from the Halloween parade. "Pope Idy the 1st" lead the children down North Circle Drive, greeting bystanders with growls that sounded like "Bless you my Beastlings" and "Deliciousness is no sin!" Apparently the Beast decided that dressing as a priest would be too scary for the youngsters and opted instead for the elegant rainments of the pontiff. And indeed, to a Beast, what could be scarier than a human who believes he's infallible?

Beast wishes

2010-10-29T09:39:00.001-07:00

This just in from the Rocky Way Beast Cam. Idy seems to be waving. Stunning view.
It's going to be a great Halloween people, I can smell it.

Screeches and Moans? I think not.

2010-10-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

Saw that show on cable TV, researchers out in the bog, Bogey Creek, saying they had recorded some "thing" in the night. Screeches and moans no one there could identify. Perhaps they needed a musician. Or a linguist.
Our Furensic Linguists at the Idyll-Beast Research Center are publishing credible arguments that they have translated Beast discourse. Technical discussions about weather, climate, foraging, human activities, and of course, aromas.

Here are some of the findings:

Human Scientists call themselves Homo Sapiens Sapiens. Like we didn’t get the part about “smart” so we had to be told twice. If the Beasts had been consulted other names might have been put forward. “We could have lent a hand… oh, I’m sorry, animals don’t have hands.”
Some creatures use Homo Trespassus, Man that Goes Where He Is Not Wanted. Or man that knows he is always trespassing because he puts up so many fences.
There is the more blunt Homo Homicidis. Man the Man Killer. Ouch. “Old kill joy” is one you hear from time to time. And Homo Megalmaniacus. Man the Big Headed.
Most creatures polled consider “Homo Habilis” acceptable. “We got to hand it to you people, you really do know how to do things. Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t really have hands.”

Then there are discussions of the aroma of humans. Dogs definitely pro, foxes and deer and most other creatures not so much. “It depends on what they’ve been eating,” say others. And all those chemicals humans use to disguise their aromas. “P.U.” “If they just ate sensibly they wouldn’t need deodarant.”

One thing predators, herbivores and even scavengers agree upon: "Life is delicious."

Beasts do get steamed up about certain human expressions, especially our use of words like “beastly” and “brutal” to describe behavior more distinctly human than animal. Words like “animalistic,” movies like “Animal House.” Meaning bad behaviour.
Animals are sometimes cruel to one another (especially in captivity) but most only kill for eating purposes.
“Blame it on us, guys.”
“The Humane society, the place where they euthanize animals. We get that.”

The other apes are unimpressed by our efforts at political organization. “With us the shrieking dies down from time to time. Those people just never stop!”

One thing most Beasts take issue with is the so-called “Doctrine of Human Exceptionalism.” What exactly is so unique about you humans? Smarter? Maybe. But smart is as smart does.
Language? Most all animals (and members of the plant kingdom as well) are conducting ongoing experiments in the field. Male frogs found out a long time ago what kind of talk lady frogs like to hear. Eureka. Trees send chemicals around, warnings about pests and such.
Human writing? Well, most of it isn’t that good. And they say that if you give enough monkeys type writers you’ll find a Shakespeare. But you would need a lot of monkeys, and most monkeys have better things to do with their time than sitting in front of a typewriter all day.
Tools? Who are you calling tools? Chimps can do a bit of tool making. Birds too. Many animals are like living Swiss-Army Knives. The Platypus. It’s got that beak, those claws, that spiny fur. Lays eggs too. Beauty and utility.
But there’s not much time for engineering when those other beasts are so attractive. Animals are somewhat concerned about our pro-creation, however. “They’re so ugly, how can they even stand to do that. Face to face even.”

It’s hard to know whether they aren’t sometimes pulling our legs.
“Apes against evolution” is a group threatening pickets of school board meetings.
“The claim that humans descended from the higher apes is insulting nonsense,” say the primates. “We want our day in court!”

Evidence

2010-08-24T21:57:00.001-07:00

These are the photographs from Ms. Sanguinetti's camera, referred to in an earlier post. These images are unretouched except for color correction to soften the effect of the flash on skin and fur tones. Science marches forward.

2010-08-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

2010-08-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

Resort Sanitorium Reviewed

2010-08-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

Beta testing of Idyll-Beast Research Center Resort Sanitorium.
Our first visitor shares her weekend with you.
Dr. Mary Sanguinetti, the first visitor to our newly re-furbished resort lodge has been kind enough to contribute her research to this blog. Thank you Mary.

“I suppose I’ve always been curious about mysterious Beasts, the possibilities of strange species in our midst. When I was six, my mother took me to see Jean Cocteau's 1947 film Beauty and the Beast, which left an indelible impression on me. Although I still enjoy Beast-themed films, I doubted that the Idyll-Beast existed....but was still intrigued by a photo of the supposed creature taken in front of Cafe Aroma.

A dear friend, affiliated with the Idyll-Beast Research Center, told me that the creatures were a very real part of his home town and invited me to participate in the Beta testing of the Center’s new Resort and Sanitorium. On a whim I accepted the invitation. I needed rest from my hectic life working for a major academic publishing company in the Bay Area. A relaxing weekend in Idyllwild sounded like just the thing.
And so easy. A short flight, a waiting shuttle, a 90 minute drive. We arrived after dark and my old friend greeted me at the door of the Lodge. The newly refinished main room is used for exercise classes, symposiums, and workshops. My loft bedroom was comfortable and the staff accommodating.

I awoke early in the morning fresh and ready to meet the Beast. There was a brief extremely low impact aerobics workout and then breakfast. Breakfast was everything and anything I wanted.Then I explored shady pathways along the creek. I lolled about and then went out for a champagne brunch at a Mexican restaurant where a mariachi serenaded me. I visited Bubba’s Books and met its proprietor, Steve. Steve also operates the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe, known as “the Cave.” There I learned more about the Beast’s penetration into human culture in this valley. There were many informative displays. And attractive research material at reasonable prices.

Then back to the Resort to rest and recharge.

In the evening I decided to go out to Café Aroma to catch a little music. I was haunted by an image of the supposed Idyll-Beast in front of Aroma. I had heard of the large footprints, and of the Idyll-Beast Festival. As I approached the café. I noticed the tables all seemed to be full. The staff back at the Resort had told me that reservations were recommended, even required, on summer weekends. They had also told me of their overflow seating, the “cheap seats,” where locals caught the acts while perhaps sipping a cocktail in a lawn chair. As I looked for a seat, I saw there, in the soft glow of the stage lights, what was either a man in desperate need of a full waxing and shaving or an Idyll-Beast!

I was shocked to see him in a public place as they are said to be reclusive. But he seemed to be enjoying the music. And no one seemed to have noticed him. It was late, a nearly moonless night, and the customers were drinking in their little islands of candlelight.
The couple sitting next to him got up and sauntered into the night, so I edged closer, seat by seat. Soon I was sitting next to him. He occasionally tapped his feet, or let out a little growl of enjoyment. Would he understand English? How about French? Summoning my courage I gently tapped his furry shoulder.

I think he raised an eyebrow. I nervously dropped my hand bag. The Beast immediately fell to his knee and began to try to rescue the contents, but his paws where so large. He merely corralled them as I scooped them up. Our eyes met, his large liquid beautiful eyes gazing out hypnotically from behind his luxuorious fur. “Excuse me.” I stammered. “Excuse-moi,” the Beast growled sweetly. We sat down again and exchanged occasional quiet comments during the music. The Beast was more civilized than I imagined. And more conversant. I could understand most of his few words. His fur was not as off-putting as I had feared. It seemed well groomed, not matted and dirty. It had a heavenly scent, with a hints of pine, cedar and sage.

I mentioned to him that I had hoped to find a table but knew it was unlikely. The Beast excused himself and in a moment returned with a waiter who escorted us to a candlelit two top just feet from the stage. People did begin to notice now. A few i-phones flashed. The beast seemed to be accustomed to the attention of the “Beastarazzi,” and even posed with one regular. We ordered drinks and I calmed my nerves with a delicious flower garnished Bellini. The Beast asked for Pellegrino. The Big bottle. After downing a number of glasses with a straw, he began to slurp from the bottle directly. Then he noticed me and sheepishly “Excuse-moi”-ed again. He even used a napkin.

Frank Ferro, Aroma’s host, introduced himself and complimented the Idyll-Beast for his taste in feminine company. “But you are always with the most beautiful women.” I was taken aback at his inexpert flattery. Frank seemed to realize he had been indiscrete and offered me another drink. My head was already swimming from the altitude, the first cocktail and the unexpected situation. I was still clear-headed enough to ask him to use my camera for a few photos, for evidence. I had to capture this moment. The townspeople went on as if nothing unusual was happening. Only the tourists still whispered and glanced.

As we finished our “Chocolate Indulgence” my furry companion gestured for the bill and produced a wallet out of a fold in his fur. There was money in it, but he seemed unable to handle it. A fistful of bills was soon scattered across the table. He succeeded in pulling out the ones he wanted, but I had to help him get the rest back into his wallet.
I was so tipsy, but I still wanted to interview the beast, and I thought perhaps I would never see him again. I doubted that I would be able to make an appointment for tomorrow. I asked him if I could interview him back at the research center. He told me that his “cave” was on the way and invited me to stop in. Although he had said “cave” it was actually quite nice. It was a fur lined study behind the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe, which is called “the Cave.” There we enjoyed a cup of elder berry tea as I asked him about himself.

He had no idea how old he was. When he was younger there was no electricity, no cars. His family he believed to have been “harvested” by human hunters. “Got to go sometime.” An early 20th century photograph of an Idyll-Beast in a carnival cage turned out to be an uncle. I sensed his loneliness.

Foraging was quite good, although changed from the old days. The beast-berries were making a come back, and the local Restaurants were better than ever. He was not a strict vegetarian, but claimed to avoid eating humans, unlike some of his ancestors. His feelings about the encroaching human community were mixed, “Not all bad,” he murmered reflectively. “You came.” Soft music played in the background and candles glowed in huge chunks of quartz or some other clear stone.

The Beast offered to let me run my fingers through his collection of celebrity hair-pieces. It seems that many a vacationing Hollywood B-Lister had felt an unexpected breeze as they strolled through the Idyllwild evening. The Beast was fascinating. And the more I knew about him the more sensitive he seemed. He was kinder and more thoughtful than many of the men I had dated. He shied away from human contact for the most part but enjoyed music and the occasional contact with more tolerant “furless ones.” He began to play a strangely familiar tune on a Ney, but by then it was getting late and my head felt heavy. I must have dozed off. The last thing I remember was a soft paw stroking my cheek and the sensation of being carried through the dark woods.

The next morning I awoke in my room in the Lodge. Had it all been a dream? I saw a wisp of golden fur on my blouse.
Then I remembered my camera. Where was it?

NOTICE: Dr. Sanguinetti’s camera was found outside Aroma that night! When our technical team have determined the authenticity of the images they will be released on this site.

As the Fur Turns

2010-08-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

The missing 55 minutes, that’s the problem with the recordings of the Mid-Summer’s Night Chamber of Commerce meeting. Various versions of that evening's events have surfaced, but none completely satisfy. One version has it that as the evening went on Chamber Then-Still-President, Acting Secretary and etc. Ken Carlson slowly began to change into an Idyll-Beast. First the hair: beautiful golden fur sprouting all over his face. Then the body: his stature and posture looking stranger and stranger there on the dais. And his defense became less and less intelligible until the Beast, protesting, had to be led outside, where he remained the rest of the evening pressing his muzzle against the window.

No one has reported that this actually happened. But a lot of unusual events do go unremarked around here. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, but Ken’s continued (normal) appearance about town give the lie to this story. He was seen at Café Aroma the very next night, standing at attention (with hand over heart) as the Skeleton Crew belted out the Perry Mason theme. Carlson is also said to be considering a spot in next season’s reality TV bomb: the Bachelor, Pine Cove Edition. Way to stimulate the local economy, Ken.

By now we’ve all heard or read that Ken had to write a check to the Crier for $5,000. For pettifogging tom-foolery. For wasting the court’s time and Town Crier’s rich British masters’ money. There was no Golden Parachute for this skydiver into the abyss of small town politics. He did it all for free. And he says it has made him much more popular. He was quoted as saying “litigation is not positive for anyone.” Not even lawyers, I guess. Did he really say that? Now we all know about that Secret Graveyard out behind the chamber meeting hall. Graveyard of ambitions, they say. Not buried too deeply. As kids we used to dare one another to spend the night there. Especially on Good Friday, when “God is dead and the devil is loose.” There is a ritual that former directors are said to have recourse to. It involves a candle, a mirror and a copy of the Chamber By-Laws. I am already looking forward to the “All Hallows Eve” Chamber of Commerce meeting.

Beyond Belief

2010-07-03T18:30:00.000-07:00

Some have remarked my apparent absence from the Idyll-Beast Festival Parade. I got to tell you, people, the behind the scenes work has been a little more than I bargained for. Not much time for singing and guitar playing. So that part I apologize for. And I can't complain. The parade was awesome. I observed it from my mobile parade observation center.

Frank and Connor O'Feral pulled the Idyll-Beast on a golden chariot. Frank, Cafe Aroma's (what is Italian for ubermensch?) in a loin clothe and ropes of garlic. The man has amazing pectorals. And "Slave" tattooed across his back. I never knew. Conner was dressed for golf. Lori brought the whip. And this year's Grandmother Idyll-Beast, Yong Neu, carried one end of the Festival banner (Beast Fest 2010, the Beast is Among Us,) while her granddaughter, the gifted Junior Ms Idyll-Beast, Haley Neu, distributed candy. Both of them wore furry crowns and scepters. At some point past half way, Grandma Idyll-Beast finally took charge and shooed the Beast off the Chariot so she could ride a spell. And the Beast 'aped' the Belly Dancers.

And that's just the caboose of the love train! First came Aphrodite and her mobile temple, populated by a selection of Idyllwild's goddesses (funny they did not look ancient to me; of course, they're immortal!) Then came the Tribal Rondevouz Belley Dancers. Ululating.

Later, at the Beast-Fest proper, Mother Beast (Rhonda leGate) and Little Miss Beast (Aubrey Moutin) received their tiaras and scepters. The menu included Golden Calf Sandwiches. Beast sightings occurred throughout the day, with the Village Center Shops reporting dozens of encounters. As would be expected, there were other clusters of sightings at Cafe Aroma and the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe.

Truly, the Beast is Among Us.

Beast Briefs

2010-07-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

*9:30 A.M Saturday July 3rd- that's the time for those who wish to gather at the Idyll-beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe at 54785 North Circle. Those who wish to participate in the parade contingent. It's easy, we'll show you how. If you or someone you know owns a fur suit, this is the day to take a long slow walk in the hot sun. Fur is optional though, all types of skin, scales, exoskeleton or feathers are welcome. The day has come when a creature will be judged not for the color, or thickness and shagginess of his or her coat, but for the Beastliness of their character.

*The Video purportedly taken by an Idyll-Beast at the June 23rd Midsummer's Night Chamber of Commerce Meeting has been much talked about but not yet publicly released. WikiLeaks is being studied as one channel for the public access to this document. Maybe the Beast was working on a documentary. Or some strange kind of voyeurism. The real news is the Video's parliamentary importance: it appears to be the only evidence of the meeting. One Director forgot to turn their personal recording device on. A reporter forgot to turn over his cassette. Only the Idyll-Beast had his device engaged. And when the Beast left (at approximately 6:55) it apparently tried to demonstrate the working of the camera to (former Chamber Mascot and present Director) Steve Moulton, but Steve just waved the creature away. The camera seemed too complicated. It has not been revealed if then-still-president-and-acting-Secretary Carlson was taking minutes of the session.

*You people are beautiful. The Beast is Lucky to have such friends. Farewell and Beastspeed!

Midsummer's Night Chamber of Commerce Meeting

2010-06-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

Video which has recently come into our possession seems to show an Idyll-Beast among the gathered townspeople at the June 21st (Midsummer Night's) Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce Meeting. The video is of poor quality, the camera shakes and furry fingers occasionally cover the lens. The sound also leaves much to be desired. Some observers note that these people, the members and directors of the local chamber, are always blurry, like Big Foot. The Idyll-Beast, on the other hand, is definitely a HD Beast. So much more detail than you expect.

The meeting's agenda was dedicated to the expulsion hearing of President, Acting Secretary, etc etc. Ken Carlson. Judging by the evidence, the evening was operatic, Wagnerian in its tedium, tension and incomprehensibility. Mimi Lamp, the soprano, wove her piping cries of "you're a lawyer!" into Ken Carlson's solos, and Richmond Blake, an exasperated baritone, provided punctuation. Marshall Smith lead the chorus.

Ken charged that the assembled mob were not lawyers and could not understand the complexities of Chamber by-laws. He also repeatedly questioned their memories. Perhaps he has a point, as members kept interrupting him to ask "What did you say your profession was? We've forgotten!"

Ken at least had one more chance to air the matter of the Town Crier's policy regarding entertainment listings: that only businesses that purchase advertising are included in the weekly entertainment calendar. Allegedly an offer was made to the Chamber directors: free advertising in exchange for the removal of the Chamber's on-line, free-to-all, event calendar. The directors who entered into this negotiation became, in Ken's eyes, villains in the service of the paper's "rich British masters."

The video unfortunately breaks off before the denouement (that's french for "conclusion") but news has trickled out that the coup was successful and Ken has been removed. Participants were heard chanting "Ding, dong, the witch is dead" as they headed across the highway for refreshments. Later, tipsy revelers were seen performing a strangely familiar dance around a hastily erected Beast Pole.

A corner would seem to have been turned, a chapter closed, but the story is not over. Ken has promised a kind of Götterdämerung of litigation, a Twilight of the gods of lawsuits that will drag the Town Crier into an abyss of debt and disgrace, forcing them to fire their staff to pay an army of lawyers to fend of his lawsuits. Soon enough we'll all be thinking of fire; at least we'll have that in common. Some researchers have come to the conclusion that Ken became President of the Chamber of Commerce by wishing on a cursed monkey paw. Or a faux paw. One question remains: does he have any wishes left?

All this brings us to the Idyll-Beast at the Midsummer's Night Chamber of Commerce Meeting. One explanation for the Beast's presence is that he (or she, did any one see?) was there to fulfill an ancient covenant or, as we say today, "Contract and Licensing Agreement." The Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce has a foundation myth. It is a tale of bargains struck with forces, like Commerce, powerful beyond our reckoning. Blood oaths, secret handshakes, arcane symbols embedded in our community.

The covenant states that a Director, upon being removed from office by a 2/3 vote of the Board , is to be handed over to the local Idyll-Beasts. In the old days they said the expelled directors were dragged off and eaten. We live in kinder gentler times, or at least more euphonious ones. Now-a-days we speak of "being invited to a repurposing workshop" or just "recycling." But it seems something went wrong Monday night and the Beast left early, without Carlson. Maybe he didn't like what he saw, or smelled. The Beasts are said to have discriminating palattes.

Will there be new rules? Will the Idyll-Beast care? We can only wonder, and the Beasts are probably wondering too.

If a Beast tweets in the forest, will anyone follow?

2010-06-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

Dear readers, I apologize for my recent silence. It is not for want of material, but rather the overwhelming abundance of new developments that have demanded my attention. For the faithful I provide "Beast Briefs," updates on the multifarious activities of the Beast and the Research Center.

* Our Twitter-Beast project will now allow humans all over the world to follow the Idyll-Beast. The project has been kept under wraps until now. A number of Idyll-Beasts (all volunteer of course) were tested for digital dexterity, tech skills and literary style. Eventually one candidate was presented with a mobile device that will allow the twittering multitudes to better understand a Beast. Science marches on. Bubbles the chimp's got nothing on you, Idy. Follow the results at
twitter.com/idyllbeast.

* The Idyll-Beast Festival and Parade planning commission has been working with Festival Sponsors to provide a weekend-long Extravaganza of Infotainment and Fun for the whole family. The theme will be "The Beast is Among Us." The parade contingent will meet at the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe Saturday Morning July 3rd. We will join the parade and meet up with the Cafe Aroma group, adding a little shag to their theme "Gods and Goddesses of Ancient Idyllwild." Any one wishing to participate can e-mail us at idyllbeastresearchcenter@yahoo.com or just show up. It is a bring your own beast affair, although some fur will be available. I'd like to take this opportunity to send out a special invitation to misses Idyll-Beast past and present to bring it on down. If you still have your furry crowns and scepters bring them. If not, we will provide suitable and historically accurate reproductions. Once a queen of the Idyll-Beast Festival, always a queen. I will soon post a list of events at the various venues during the festival weekend.

*The Museum and Gift Shoppe survived our first "going out of bussiness sale" and continues to provide retail community outreach. Until the Chamber of Commerce gets back on its feet we will do our best to fulfill the function of visitor's center as we enlighten and entertain the lucky lost who find us. New products include Idyll-Beast Research Center fridge magnets, a new shipment of postcards, and more furry "Beastern Standard Time" clocks. We still have tee-shirts, Beastiopathic remedies, Li'l Researcher Adventure Play Sets, and the usual assortment of debris you'd expect to find in a cave inhabited by furry hominids who love music. sports, books and fur.

Thank you again for the love you all have shown for the Beast. This year's Idyll-Beast Festival promises to be the best ever.

ONCE IS AN EVENT, TWICE A PATTERN

2010-05-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

It seems that the Idyll-Beast has taken a definite and even systematic interest in the goings-on at the monthly Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce meetings. For the second time in as many months the meeting has been observed by a silent shaggy presence. It is disconcerting to note that the Town Crier’s coverage of the May meeting overlooked this uninvited guest, but there is a possible scientific explanation for the oversight: Recent research points out that we often don’t see what we don’t expect to see. Just as subjects watching a basketball game on a video screen usually will not notice a gorilla walking across the court, reporter Marshall Smith simply did not notice the Idyll-Beast staring right at him for almost two hours with a pair of binoculars.

With the full (three person) board in attendance this month’s meeting was much livelier than President Carlson’s April solo performance. Things began slowly with the usual laments and attempts to rally the troops behind an effort to construct a public restroom. Indeed, public defecation has got to be the number one problem facing our downtown. We at the Idyll-Beast Research Center suggest little plastic bags dispensed at conveniently located kiosks around the village. And signs telling visitors that littering ordinances will be strictly enforced.

Marshall Smith showed up to represent the Town Crier, whose management Carlson referred to as “little people in love with power,” and is now suing for libel. The Idyll-Beast seemed to take special interest in the growling and bristling as the two man-beasts squared off over the state of the Town Crier’s membership dues and their competing claims to be the “architect” of the “Clean Slate” group that swept into power a few years ago and then resigned one by one.

Another important issue discussed was the ballot for the upcoming Board of Directors election. Carlson took charge of the ballot, adding his own name, claiming to have nominated himself. The other directors questioned the propriety of the addition. President, Election Supervisor, acting Secretary, Candidate and Vertically Challenged Person in Love with Power Ken Carlson asked if anyone present had witnessed his self-nomination at the April meeting. Former member Steve Moulton stated that he had been there and had not witnessed the Alleged Self-Nomination. Ken then appealed to the Idyll-Beast in the room, and the Idyll-Beast gestured in a way that left it clear that he also believed Ken was shooting with blanks. From a scientific point of view, this is an exciting development: the president of the Chamber of Commerce hanging his fate on the testimony of an Idyll-Beast. And even an Idyll-Beast knows that a meeting is only official if a quorum of officers is present and that by-laws state that nominations are to be made at the March meeting.

Things finally reached a climax when Board Members Mimi Lamp and Richmond Blake took the beast by the ponytail and presented Ken with their own motion to expel him from the Chamber. Ken will have thirty days to prepare his defense for the June Meeting, which he referred to as a “Kangaroo Court.” These two scrappy newcomers showed bravery in the face of threats of legal action. Carlson already is suing The Town Crier for libel, and Lamp claims that Carlson has threatened to sue any Board member who opposes him. People, spay and neuter your pets.

The June meeting should be even more exciting. There is a little known passage in the by-laws that states that a deposed officer is to be stripped of his insignia of office, bound, and handed over to the Idyll-Beasts. Folks around here say that sometimes at night in the high country you can hear the souls of former Chamber of Commerce Directors wailing like banshees from the lair of the Idyll-Beast.

Idyll DNA

2010-05-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

The results of the Human/Idyll-Beast Genome Survey have been released and are coming home to roost. The survey covered the entire area of the mountain community, including, in addition to metropolitan Idyllwild, Anza, Garner Valley, Pinion, Poppet Flats, Skunk Junction, and Beast Cove. We also took samples from residents with no fixed address.

It should be noted we did not harm the humans in any way. Eschewing traps or tranquilizer darts, we instead gathered our samples through non-intrusive methods; digging through household garbage, picking up hair from salon and barber shop floors, wiping down empty glasses in restaurants, etc.

The survey sampled both old-timers and recent arrivals. We found that almost all members of families that had been here for three or more generations had between 3 and 4% Idyll-Beast DNA. Recent arrivals had less, although there were some surprising outliers. The results show just how illusory the supposed man/beast boundary really is and how, at least in the past, the human community was intimately connected to the Beast.

Researchers add that the specific Idyll-Beast DNA that local humans are carrying within their genome does not seem to express itself in any known morphological or behavioral sense. Rather it is part of the "noise" or so-called "junk DNA" that reside between active genes. We call it "Idyll-DNA."

Idyll-Beast Sighted at Chamber of Commerce Meeting

2010-05-07T22:40:00.000-07:00

The Idyll-Beast sighting at the April 19^th Idyllwild Miniature Chamber of Commerce meeting raised many questions. Although acting president Ken Carlson welcomed the furry presence as a gesture of support for the Chamber, a more likely explanation for the sighting is the Idyll-Beast’s attraction to carrion. Or simple curiosity. The Beast is nothing if not curious, and no one at the Idyll-Beast Research Center is entirely sure who is studying whom.

Carlson’s motion to draft the beast as an officer on the Chamber Board was greeted with general consternation. Even an Idyll-Beast knows that Chamber by-laws prohibit nominations from the floor at the April meeting

The Beast brought popcorn, apparently believing some kind of show was in store. Carlson had promised a smack down with the Town Crier, accusing them of behavior unbecoming to a Chamber member and threatening them with expulsion. Representatives of the paper declined to dignify the challenge with a response, so Ken played to an empty house. The Beast dozed off several times during the proceedings, waking up when Steve Moulton suggested that the time had come for the Chamber to disappear. Idyll-Beasts love magic. Indeed the present rate of attrition has lead townspeople to speak of the “Incredible Shrinking Chamber of Commerce.”

Ten seats on the Board, three of them filled, and the three never seen in the same place at the same time. But Carlson is ever the optimist, still full of schemes to seize businesses through eminent domain to make way for public restrooms.

Apparently the Idyll-Beasts are taking notice. Don’t be surprised if Ken is soon tranquilized, inspected for parasites and rabies, and then released with a radio tracking collar.

Den of Antiquities

2010-04-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

The dedication and hard work of our team of restoration experts have transformed the Idyll-Beat Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe (54875 B North Circle) into a den of antiquities. The most recent addition to our collection is a spectacular testimony to their expertise. This gorgeous fur covered "Beastern Standard Time" wall clock really brings back memories of old Idyllwild. It most likely graced the walls of one of our ancient public drinking establishments, perhaps the American Legion or Burley's. It pays tribute to the brief period of our history when Idyllwild declared its independence from the outside world as the "Beast Flag Republic," with its own time zone, Beastern Standard Time. This ran an hour to an hour-and-a-half (at least) behind the rest of the world, welcoming visitors into a more relaxed approach to time, one more tuned to the passing of the seasons than the sweep of the second hand. The illuminated portrait of Idy below invites us to join him for an evening of foraging and hijinx. The clock itself no longer runs. Perhaps it never did.

Pick of the Litter

2010-04-12T23:53:00.000-07:00

Spring is here, whelping season. The days are getting longer and the beasts emerge from their lairs with gambolling beastlings. The Idyll-Beast Research Center is offering these deluxe furry Beast Crossing Signs to safety conscious Idyllwilders. The signs are covered by a double guarantee: First, no one has ever had an Idyll-Beast related accident near one of them. Second, we guaranteed them against hair loss and will gladly groom and trim the signs once installed. We provide mounting hardware, styling gel, and all inoculations.

Standard of Evidence

2010-04-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

The photos below did not make it into this weeks Town Crier. There is an interesting story here, touching on editorial decisions and standards of evidence. I submitted a notice about the First Annual Idyll-Beast Research Center/ Astro Camp Beaster Egg Hunt to this paper and was asked for accompanying photographs. The photos I took were, to be honest, very blurry. And I guess the connection between bluriness and beastliness was lost on the editors. Luckily one of the hunters had taken some shots that were clearer. These were also submitted and rejected... the editor could not see the fur on the Beaster Eggs. At least not without putting his glasses on. Above, the reader will find an enlargement of the relevant basket and hopefully the fur will be visible to even the most skeptical. I welcome the application of the highest standard of evidence to the work of the Idyll-Beast Research Center, and am thankful for the opportunity to present our case to the reading public.

First Sunday after the first Beast sighting after the first full moon of spring

2010-04-05T18:30:00.000-07:00

Sunday April 4^thmarked the first annual Idyll-Beast Research Center/Astro Camp Beaster Egg Hunt. Astrocamp faculty and staff joined with members of “that other scientific organization on the hill” to celebrate the solemn and frivolous holiday. After the traditional reading of “the Legend of the Idyll-Beast” celebrants hunted for brightly colored fur covered eggs hidden by the Idyll-Beast around the meadow behind the Astrocamp lodge. The prize for most eggs gathered was awarded to the youngest hunter, Samantha Cunningham, who received an Idyll-Beast Research Center “Li’l Researcher Adventure Play Set.” The delicious treasure inside the eggs was shared after a festive meal.

Samantha really set an example, pushing much larger hunters out of her way to grab that last egg. This girl has definitely heard the call of the Idyll-Beast. She attended another egg hunt in town but complained the eggs were "too easy to find. Like they were hidden for three-year-olds." Congratulations to Samantha from the staff of the Idyll-Beast Research Center. Remember the Festival (July 3-4) and we will surely enter your name into consideration for Little Miss Beast. Or maybe Miss Tween Beast as the case may be.

Do I Smell a Deduction?

2010-02-16T10:23:00.000-08:00

In hard times people talk about signs and portents. Well, a new sign has appeared in the window of the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe. It is a little confusing. It says "TAXE$00" but should say "TAXES $5.00." Steve (Moulton) was trying to economize a little by leaving a few letters off the sign. What he means to say is that he is offering his considerable financial acumen and formidable accounting skills to the general public at an unbelievably low price. Various services may be available, but the only one I am allowed to mention is the 1040 EZ. Five dollars.

You've heard the expression "squeeze that dollar 'til the old eagle grins?" Well grinning is just stage one of Steve's dollar squeezing, a highly technical process better left to the imagination. We at the Idyll-Beast Research Center stand behind his work. In the unlikely event that your return should be audited, we will send an accountant in a fur suit to defend you before the IRS. That will throw them off their game.

Interested parties may phone Steve at 659-4925. Tell him Idy sent you.

Fore!

2010-01-26T19:28:00.000-08:00

Update: The Idyllwild Miniature Chamber of Commerce (see our earlier post) has found a worthy task. First a little back history. It seems that the coalition of local business owners working on our latest tourist attraction, the Idyllwild Miniature Golf course, attracted the attention of a group known as the Global Anti-Golf Movement (GAGM.)

This group has for years been a gadfly to owners of golf courses world-wide. Mostly they criticize the environmental impact of greens-keeping practices. It turns out an astonishing amount of water is used to keep those greens so pretty, so much so that each 18 holes of golf consumes an average of 80,000 (eighty thousand) flushes of an ordinary toilet. And then there are the pesticides and fertilizers. Beyond the envoronmentalist angle, they go on to call Golf a human rights violation and say it fosters elitism.

Our project is an indoor course that takes the golfer through 18 local businesses. Teeing off at the Creek House in Fern Valley, (par 3) avoiding the water hazards in the restroom of the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe (par 5), a hole in one at Bubba’s books, winding through Café Aroma (par 7) and ending up, after 13 more stops including Jo Ann’s, the Liquor store and the Hardware store, at the Haunted Trailer Park. The idea of the course is to provide a good, wholesome, non-elitest leisure activity while acquainting visitors with many of our local shops and restaurants. All a shopkeeper needs to participate is a tin can tucked away in a corner and some signs directing the golfer from the “tee” by the front door, past their merchandise and to the “hole.”

When our plan was explained to the good folks at the GAGM they quickly withdrew their opposition to the proposed course. But then a splinter group, the Global Anti-Miniature Golf Association (GAMGA) reared its ugly little head. You know how they say sometimes the smallest arguments are the nastiest? Well, these difficult people mean business. It turns out they are part of the Creationist/Global Warming deniers’ camp. They claim that the little concrete volcanoes at miniature golf courses contribute more green house gases than all the world’s cars and cows combined (they heard this on the radio) and that the concrete dinosaurs embarrass parents trying to bring their children up on the biblical account of creation. Furthermore they claim that those little windmills are part of a socialist agenda to brainwash children into thinking of wind power as a friendly source of clean renewable energy instead of an economy-sinking boondoggle.

So we were more than happy when Idyllwild Miniature Chamber of Commerce head Ken Carlson offered his considerable charm and talent to explain to this latest band of misguided crusaders that our course will be nothing like that. No dinosaurs, no volcanoes, no windmills (yet,) just 18 holes (at least) of retail, dining and service. It’ll be down right patriotic. Eighteen opportunities for enterprising local business folk to come between flat-landers and their money. or pardon me, administer a little retail therapy. Imagine how easy it will be to talk a customer into another (cappuccino, squirrel neck tie, high colonic, whatever) while he or she is trying to putt their way out of Flufffy’s “sand trap” in the bathroom.

And this is so cheap. The clubs and balls we picked up at the Help Center. I don’t even need to get them back when people finish the course. I’m making the little signs myself. When the going gets tough, the enterprising get cracking. Who was it who said “It is only when you are pursued that you become swift?”

New Chamber

2010-01-11T12:41:00.000-08:00

A few days back we mentioned the demise of the Chamber of Commerce. It seems we were a bit premature. Chamber President and last man standing Ken Carlson has announced the start up of a new Chamber, the Idyllwild Miniature Chamber of Commerce. "We'll save a lot of money on this," explained Carlson. "We'll move to a much smaller office, for one thing. And we'll focus on really small bussiness people." Various locations have been suggested for this new office. The Idyllbeast Research Center has offered the use of it's back room, with the right to a high traffic corner to display brochures. Wherever you begin accepting new members we'll be there dues in hand. Check OK?

Zeke Remembers

2010-01-05T21:07:00.000-08:00

Part of our mission here at the Idyll-Beast Research Center is to commemorate this mountain community’s rich past by remembering. And our memory expert we call Zeke. Zeke used to contribute occasional material to the old “Town Howler” paper. We are proud to invite old Zeke to take us on a trip down Memory Lane

Remember that place they called “the Clam Shack?” Down by where the highway makes a curve. I don’t know if that was the real name, but all the musicians hung out there. And played. And not just musicians, all kinds of unknown jeromes went there to play a spell. People you never heard anywhere else you heard at the Clam Shack, They were what the management called “exclusives.”

Some folks used to call it “the Devil’s Clam Shack,” especially towards the end. Maybe ‘cause the waitresses wore those little horns and tails.

Some real characters could be found there on an afternoon. That guy they called “Wolfie,” ‘cause he filed his teeth down like a wolf. And had a small pack of real wolves. He’d parade them up and down so everyone could get a real good look. Whether there was music or not you’d find him at the clam shack. We hear he got arrested for bombmaking, but that was later on, down in Anza. Real nice picture of him in the Crier with that orange jump suit. Not all white folks look good in orange.

Then there was the Ratllesnake Man. Rattlesnakes you couldn’t say they was a business for him, but they were surely an avocation. Folk would take him up on a neighborly invitation to visit his little shack, maybe smoke a bowl of the local produce and then out came the snakes. He loved to show off how he could handle the critters without getting bit. Kind of a “snake whiperer” thing.

There was the fellow they called “the Cocaine Contractor.” A real contractor, and they say a good one. That wasn’t his wife he was dancin’ with at the Clam Shack though. Wifey finally caught up with him in the parking lot of the local feed store and made a little demolition derby bangin’ her brand new pick-up truck against his brand new matching pick-up truck. Should have seen those vehicles when she was finished.

That’s what we’d call “local color.” Some of these people and places have gone the way of all things, or at least the way of most folks who handle live Rattle Snakes. The Clam Shack, most folks here don’t even remember exactly where it was. It wouldn’t be nice to associate it with any current business. In the end the boss got caught in flagrante delicti with one of the staff. Kind of dried up the financing seeing as how it was the mother-in-law that was paying the bills. Lessons learned.

SHOPPE HOURS

2010-01-05T21:03:00.000-08:00

One favorite topic in the Hill-o-sphere is the shortcomings of local businesses. Either the match of goods and services to local demand, the attitutude of the shopkeepers, or the hours. It’s hard to blame folks for grousing a bit when the economy's in the dumper, but there is some sense to at least puttin’ up a front when flatlanders are present. We try to put an optimistic face on things at the Museum and Gift Shoppe (located at 54785 B North Circle Drive, between the Creek House and Bubba's Books.) We are all about the enthusiasm. And we are always talking up the town.

When it comes to keeping regular hours, however, I see how people could be a little confused. We ask the customer’s understanding. It really does make sense. First of all, the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe operates as an annex to Bubba’s Books, a place where Bubba can put his more high-end merchandise. So it’s open whenever Bubba’s Books is open: Monday, he’s closed, other week-days he’s open from four until dusk. It gets cold and dark fast around here. And there’s no point in being there when the dump is open. On Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we try to get out there a little earlier, certainly before noon. And now Maria is bringing her stuff out. A real festival of variety. And with the “woman’s touch,” the place is looking a lot more attractive these days. She’s there sometimes too. And for special events, tours, odd jobs (Rent-a-Beast, Idyll-Beast and Associates, Sightings etc) e-mail me at idyllbeastresearchcenter@yahoo.com or phone me at (951) 306-8501 (Bubba doesn't have a phone.)

THE YEAR OF THE IDYLL-BEAST

2010-01-05T20:54:00.000-08:00

One of our lovelier neighbors is seen here saluting the Beast. It's going to be a great year. People get ready.

In one of its last official actions before disintegrating, (see our retraction on January 11th) the remaining officers of the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce have made it official:

"In recognition of the outstanding contribution the IDYLL-BEAST has made to the Culture, History, Ecology and Economy of our Community, we hereby declare 2010 the Year of the Idyll-Beast."

The following is a Legally Mandated Public Notice pursuant to a Court Order

2009-12-03T17:19:00.000-08:00

The Directors of the Idyll-Beast Research Center and its Museum and Gift Shoppe sadly announce the dissolution of our financial services company, Beastie Mac. All Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe "Beast Buy" credit cards are hereby and immediately canceled, and all balances forgiven.

Our apologies go out to those members of the public who were terrorized by over-zealous docents attempting to turn every transaction into a new pre-approved credit card account. And that small print, not even we knew what it said.

The one service to survive the wreckage is our "Idyll-Beast and Associates Collection Agency." In these difficult times our unconventional methods could be just the thing to turn your accounts receivables into cash. Contact us for more details at:

idyllbeastresearchcenter@yahoo.com.

Prophecy?

2009-11-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

As I have stated earlier, I am personally a sceptic in matters of "prophecy." I have mentioned my work on the quatrains or so called "Prophecies of Beastradamus," and my purely scholarly and literary interest in this curious, even eccentric document. So I admit to a moment of chagrin when I turned on the radio today to hear about the local "shake up" in San Jacinto's city government. I invite the gentle reader to refer to my August 5th posting, "IBRC Archives," in particular the part dealing with the Beastradamus project. I mentioned a quatrain, which when translated in full reads:

"In the city of Saint Hyacinth leaders reel

In the Year of the Idyll-Beast

four in five are named in a

one-hundred-fifty-five count indictment involving money laundering and bribery."

I know it's not great poetry, and it loses something in translation, but you can't make this stuff up. I am starting to think there could be something to the rantings of the furry seer.

Beast Wishes

New Converts

2009-11-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

Although it is never our intention to prosletyze, the Idyll-Beast Research Center's community outreach effort has lead many to embrace the Beast. Halloween was a special opportunity to meet and greet the younger generation.

I was honored to be invited this week to participate in a colloquium at Astro Camp, that other Scientific Organization on the hill. Those people really love science. And root beer schnapps. It was a relaxed yet scientifically rigorous evening of highbrow infotainment. We look forward to future exchanges. Much interest was expressed in the upcoming translation of the so-called "Prophecies of Beastradamus." This project has taken much of my time lately, but will be of interest to Idyllwilders, especially the credulous ones. Many uncanny references to a strangely familiar "village in the pines."

What's New at the Idyll-Beast Research Center

2009-10-08T15:53:00.000-07:00

Last week I was shocked to be asked by local eminence grisé Hubert Halkin "Is there really an Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe?" People, skepticism is healthy, and I know some folks never venture North of Cafe Aroma, but the IBRC Museum and Gift Shoppe is as real as any other business in Idyllwild. Maybe not as profitable, but just swing by 54875 B North Circle and see for yourselves. Doubting Thomases. Having established the reality of the shoppe, I then am asked what exactly we do there. Harder to answer. Well, last week we:

*Repaired furniture for customers,

*Sold some tee shirts and halloween costumes (available for children and pets)

*Took orders for Beastiopathic Remedies and "Calling All Idyll-Beasts" Sacred Space Clearing Spray (Christmas is coming),

*Educated legions of tourists,

*Assembled our first IBRC "Li'l Researcher Adventure Play Sets,"

*Met many curious and supportive business owners and community members.

*Negotiated image rights for the new IBRC postcards. A real asset to the community.

*Developed curricula for our new continuing education series. In these times many of us are investing in new skills. Our "Dumpster Diving 101" sections are filling up fast.

MEDICAL NEWS: Back at the Research Center proper, our scientists are working overtime to insure a plentiful supply of the new H1B1 "Beast flu" vaccine. Dr. Idyllbeast himself will be performing the innoculations at the Museum. Parents bring your children.

And people, if you are new to the Blog, please read the posts from previous months. Much valuable information is available there.

A Cautionary Tale

2009-09-22T23:55:00.000-07:00

Many of you by now have heard about the closing of one of our local "watering holes" as a result of an unfortunate incident involving an Idyll-Beast. Many locals show sympathy for these creatures, allowing them to forage in dumpsters and even leaving scraps out for them. It seems patrons at Jo Ann's crossed the line, offering meals and drinks to one beast, and the creature lost much of its natural aversion to human contact. Soon yokels were inviting "Idy" in for drinks. "Bartender, a chocotini for my Furry Friend!" Ha ha. What could possibly go wrong? It turns out the one thing worse than buying liquor for an Idyll-Beast is buying liquor for an Idyll-Beast on Karaoke night. The county was not amused. Emergency response teams are very expensive. One family's adventure in Idyllwild hospitality has been cut short. And members of our community are out of work. The follies of the few beget the suffering of many.

The Real Deal

2009-09-09T21:34:00.000-07:00

At last, an image that repays serious scrutiny. Muzzle to muzzle with the unknown, these are the moments we researchers live for. In focus, great depth of field, good lighting and color balance, excellent composition. Almost painterly in its approach to subject and landscape, this image was recently taken at Inspiration point. Technical details to follow.

OK OK already

2009-09-09T02:12:00.000-07:00

This is not such a great picture. Eyes closed. Poor depth of field. Color lackluster. Light too bright in lower half, too dark above. Composition lackluster. Point and shoot. Very much a run-of-the-mill Beast sighting photograph. Still it's a start. Submit your Idyll-Beast sighting shots.

A DREAM COME TRUE

2009-09-09T01:52:00.000-07:00

The picture is worth a thousand words. We ask not what the community can do for us, but rather what we can do for Idyllwild. We have hit the ground running. Or rather loping.

We've all heard the conversation: "Why can't I find ______ in Idyllwild?" What kind of goods and services can the IBRC Museum and Gift Shoppe provide? Some folks talk about guitar strings and picks. A lovely waitress at the Famous Red Kettle mentioned a pair of tourists who decided to stay the weekend...and didn't have any clean underwear. I think we can help: we still have plenty of cruelty free synthetic Beast fur. And a needle and thread. Folks have mentioned printer ink, and officers at Hewlett Packard have apparently begun high level discussions about a deeper involvement with the promotion of the Idyll-Beast. With the demise of the General Store certain seasonal products have disappeared. A few Halloween items already grace our furry shelves. We are hard at work on Beastmas tree ornaments. What do you think? Food items, as I have mentioned below, are problematic. And the inventory can't be too pricey. And the intention is not to compete with existing so-called "real" retail establishments. These people have suffered enough.

Do I Smell a Party?

2009-09-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

The Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe (also know colloquially as "the Cave") will open this Saturday, September 5. The address is 54875 B (as in Beast) North Circle, conveniently located between Bubba's Books and the Creek House. Beast Sightings will probably begin around 4 PM; when Aroma shuts the kitchen down between shifts the scavenging there dries up fast. The location will be impossible to miss, just look for the sign of the Idyll-Beast (you will recognize it.) Even without a map you should be able to locate it with a dowsing rod or gamma ray detector.

One special line of products we will be rolling out this weekend will be the IBRC Beastiopathic Essences(TM) . Using the newly discovered phenomenon of "Beastiopathic Resonance(TM)" these amazing preparations "put the power of totemic woodland creatures in a convenient nasal spray." Available in Raccoon, Squirrel, Blue Jay, Bobcat, Skunk and many others. This stuff is to homeopathy what a trip to the moon is to the Wright brothers.

GRAND OPENING

2009-08-31T12:46:00.000-07:00

The IDYLL-BEAST RESEARCH CENTER Museum and Gift Shop and Beast Cove Petting Zoo will open it's doors to the public this Saturday, September 5th, 2009. Several of the Girls from Menifee have volunteered for the petting zoo. I'm measuring the Docents for their uniforms. They will be lovely. Live Entertainment! Beast Sightings! A dream come true. A place for the rest of us, something that addresses our needs as a community, that takes up where the Idyllwild Historical Society leaves off. It has been a learning experience. Every business owner understands that "jumping through hoops" is not just for circus animals. It seems the county had a thing or two to say about sales of "Beast-Berry Pies" and "Vegetarian cruelty-free Beast Jerky." Maybe another business can help us move this now somewhat problematic inventory. But those boxes of "Idyll-Beast Festival Commemorative Merkins" that arrived a few days late for the Festival will finally find a home. Not too early to start thinking about X-mas.

Live Entertainment

2009-08-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

Our Researchers recently encountered this image of a furry harpsichordist from a 17th century German woodcut. Proving that the Beasts are not only attracted to fretted strings and percussion. In the old days "Heidi Beasts" were often trained at the clavier or violin, opening a dignified career path outside the exploitation of circuses.

Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shop

2009-08-29T16:03:00.001-07:00

The staff of the Idyll-Beast Research Center proudly announce the GRAND OPENING of the IDYLL-BEAST RESEARCH CENTER MUSEUM AND GIFT SHOP this labor day weekend at a still undisclosed location along North Circle Drive. Wow. There is still a lot to do. The petting zoo part is giving the most headaches. We should have the new "Idyll-Beast Board Game" available then. "Researchers and Idyll-Beasts race around a map of old Idyllwild, leaving and gathering evidence, searching for love, fame and beast-berry pies. Ages 8 to Adult." Beast sightings will be extremely likely Saturday afternoon. In the meantime the new shirts, in all sizes to XXXL and ladies' styles are available at Bubba's Books.

IBRC Archives

2009-08-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

The Idyll-Beast Research Center has begun creating an on-line archive of Idyll-Beast sightings. It is available at www.idyllbeast.com/sightings.html. We will begin posting sightings from the crypto-zoological cyber-community in addition to local submissions. Please send any sightings to idyllbeastresearchcenter@yahoo.com. These will be treated confidentially and your name withheld on request.

Hopefully the website will help with the most daunting challenge yet undertaken by the Idyll-Beast Research Center: the translation (from "Beast-Latin") of the so called "Prophecies of Beastradamus." Many mentions of a "village in the pines" seem to resonate curiously with current events. But I admit to being stumped by references to the nearby "City of Saint Hyacinth" and their rulers. And an inscrutable reference to a "one hundred and fifty-five count indictment" (if I am translating correctly) and the "fall of four in five." All this to happen in "the year of the Idyll-Beast." I personally am sceptical of the whole category of prophecy, but continue on the translations for historical and literary reasons.

Just the Facts

2009-08-04T21:22:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that another blogger (Conor O'Farrell of "Frank & Conor's Bad Advice in the Morning") has compared me to the late self-styled Grizzly Bear "expert" and bear snack Timothy Treadwell, suggesting that I too could be a meal in the making. I'd like to take this opportunity to clear up a misunderstanding. Although many people have been attacked by bears and an average of 2.25 people per year have been killed in the U.S. by bears during the last decade, no one has ever been reported killed or eaten by an Idyll-Beast. They seem to have discriminating palates. Although there are reports of kidnappings, rescues are more frequent, with the Beasts allegedly carrying accident victims or fallen climbers to relative safety. As Director of the Idyll-Beast Research Center, part of my mission is to educate the public about these little known creatures. In the unlikely event of my being attacked I promise to do my best to video tape the event, and would be happy to allow Conor to narrate the footage. It is not my intention to harass wildlife, nor do I reccomend that others do so.

Idyllwild's latest Vacation Adventure Destination

2009-07-29T20:37:00.000-07:00

Many noticed that the picture of the Idyll-Beast Festival parade contingent in the July 6 TC was directly opposite a story titled "Business Climate Shows Improvement." Coincidence? I think not. I would like to draw the gentle reader's attention to several exciting new businesses that now grace our community or soon will.

Beast Cove Petting Zoo: Straight out of old Idyllwild. Many unusual animals. Skunks, Skinks, Squonks, Porcupines, Porcubears, Zephyrs, Jackalopes, Raccoons, Bobcats, Badgers. Uruburu. Hoop snakes, Hugags, Hodags, Procks, Gowrows, Hidebehinds, Wampus Cats, Splinter Cats, many more! All of our creatures are fully inoculated against human borne contagious diseases and have access to our state-of-the-art paw washing station. Visit also our Rattlesnake Farm and Gift shop. Say it with Snakes!

Rodent Ranch: Bring your little wranglers and rough riders to Rodent Ranch, Home of the Rodent Rodeo. Riding and Roping lessons. Join the Rodent Round-up!

Cougar Country Safari: Idyllwild’s latest vacation adventure destination. An unforgettable foray into a forest full of ferocious felines. Careful, you could be their next meal!

And just wait until the Idyll-Beast Museum and Gift Shop Opens it's doors! Still a few issues with the county...

Sighting!

2009-07-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

People ask, "Is Idyll-Beast apparel real?" Just as each season the earth brings forth it's bounty, so the Idyll-Beast Research Center does it's part to beautify our little corner of the world. Though you people are already beastly beautiful. I welcome your input. What kinds of Beast swag would help you get in the spirit? Beastmas is (always) just around the corner! For more info e-mail me at idyllbeastresearchcenter@yahoo.com. And don't forget to visit idyllbeast.com.

Beast Wear Inquiries

2009-07-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

I love you. There are still a limited quantity of Idyll-Beast Festival Tees available, medium, one large. I am at Aroma Saturdays 9 to noon, but will also deliver them. There is a new design in the works which will be very similar but will say "Idyllwild California" and "Home of the Idyll-Beast." The back will bear a new inspirational message, perhaps "the Beast is On the Move." These will take at least a week and will be available in the popular X, XX and XXX sizes for the Beast's "big" fans. And maybe onesies for the little researchers. Yes, Virginia, there is an Idyll-Beast. E-mail inquiries and comments to idyllbeastresearchcenter@yahoo.com.

Disambiguation

2009-07-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

There seems to be some confusion (what else is new) about the IBRC. The Idyll-Beast Research Center is not affiliated in any way with the local "Church of Beastiology," although some of our interns may attend services. Furthermore, the "Church of Beastiology" should not be confounded with the Anza-based "Church of Beastiality." The less said the better.
A word about nomenclature. Many local wags have taken to addressing me as "Beast Man" when our paths cross. No problem there, but folks should know the preferred term in this day and age is "Man Beast." Also always acceptable is the gender-neutral "Human Beast."
Beast Wishes
DJ

Apparel

2009-07-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

Folks keep asking about Idyll-Beast tees in xxx large and bigger. And ladies' styles, something light and alluring for the summer months. And "onesies" for the little researchers out there. Yes, a new design is in the works, but don't worry, it won't stray too far from the classic Beast apparel we know and love. The official Idyll-Beast Research Center action wear is always in style. It's the next best thing to fur!

Cyber-Beast

2009-07-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

It is truly gratifying to see the support out there for science, the interest in our research mission. Just google idyll-beast (idyllbeast) and check it out. Radio stations, native american news websites, Big Foot forums, everybody is talking. That BF forum is really heating up. We welcome a spirited discussion of the evidence. Next stop Wikipedia... any wiki-ers out there? Unfortunately the Idyll-Beast still seems to be locally blocked. The site is up and running and visible everywhere else in the world... We here at the Idyll-Beast Research Center know enough to avoid the siren song of paranoia (right now I am blogging while tied to the refrigerator) but a number of possibilities suggest themselves:

Cal-trans, for all those Idyll-Beast X-ing signs popping up along the highway;
The FDA, for those bottles of "Professor Idyllbeast's Elixer and Fur Tonic" (still a few of those left here at the Research Center);
the forest Service, for those infomational brochures (Idyll Beast: Myth or Monster ?);
the Governors office for that press release that apparently has been hushed up. The Governor is apparently back in Sacramento and has become mum about the whole thing.

Devotees of the Beast are advised to use a proxyserver to access the IBRC's site. It's free and easy. One that works is available here. You type in the www.idyllbeast.com address in the bar and avoid the evil-doers who would block your access to this informative and entertaining site.

I'm sure our local ISP will sort this out super fast. I called Jeff today. Wait a minute, Jeff...

Beast Wishes

Literary Event: the Legend of the Idyll-Beast available for a new generation!

2009-07-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

New! Our reconstruction of that once-banned literary classic, The Legend of the Idyll-Beast! Excellent bed time reading, no Beastmas celebration would be complete without this! Generations of children have pulled the blankets up to their noses when mama or papa gets to the part about the Realtors... The full story is now at www.idyllbeast.com/legend.html. (if it doesn't load re-check in 24 hours. Traffic has been heavy after the Governors press conference, and their may be cyber saboteurs at work. Don't let the terrorists win!)

Also in the Works: the Idyll-Beast Film Festival

Between classics and local submissions material will not be and issue. The appropriate venue?Several come to mind. Greta Garbo said it best (at an early screening of Cocteau's La Belle et la Bête, when the beast was dissapointingly transformed into a "handsome" prince) : "Give me Back my Beast!"

The Controversy is Heating up

Folks on the Bigfoot Forum are digging into Marshall's TC Idyll-Beast story. Amazing how people either don't read or misinterpret the article they are criticizing. The doubting Thomas on this post seems very confused. Nothing in Marshall's article or the original article being discussed mentions "hairy dancing naked BF youths" (sic). To be charitable, the "hey wierdos, drop dead!" quote was not directly attributed to a Chamber of Commerce member but an illustrative paraphrase in the original article, transformed in the recent story. From a literary point of view a direct quote sounds so much stronger, and why bother the reader with nested quotation marks? All extremely instructive... The lesson here is that even intelligent people are bound to err when they argue about material they have not seen but base their discussion on re-reporting. (I have posted the original article, titled "beast hassle" at: www. idyllbeast.com/beasthassle.jpg)

Until next time may the Beast be with You!

Idyll-Beast Research Center web presence

2009-07-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

More for the Beast-Curious at www.idyllbeast.com! New links to the Cryptozoological community as our own Idyll-Beast receives some much deserved attention.

Beast-Fest Success!

2009-07-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

Beast-fest ’09, “Idyllwild’s 98^th Annual Idyll-Beast Festival,” was a “Resounding Success.” The outpouring of curiosity and love from the community and the many visitors was astounding. The town was abuzz as people gathered to express their belief in the continuity of life, our kinship with the other fur-bearers. The various “Misses” Idyll-Beast were, as they should be, beautiful and strong, fine examples of the furry flower of Idyllwild femininity. Many a happy participant carried home a bottle of “Professor Idyllbeast’s Elixer and Fur Tonic” and/or an Official Idyll-Beast Festival Tee-Shirt. (A few of these are still available, in medium only) The Beast himself was kind enough to make a few brief but much remarked appearances and even join in a little parade tom-foolery. (You don’t think a box like that could hold an unwilling Idyll-Beast?) He did a bit of a jig as friends of the beast Sandi Castleberry and John Penn (author of the immortal song “Sasquatch”) finished up their set, and that might have been Paul Carmen who joined the Beast for a few capers. We here at the Idyll-Beast Research Center had a lot of vacuuming to do after the post-Festival party. Most of the fur is gone now and all we can say is: “only 358 days ‘till the 99^th Annual Idyll-Beast Festival!”