Idyll DNA

The results of the Human/Idyll-Beast Genome Survey have been released and are coming home to roost. The survey covered the entire area of the mountain community, including, in addition to metropolitan Idyllwild, Anza, Garner Valley, Pinion, Poppet Flats, Skunk Junction, and Beast Cove. We also took samples from residents with no fixed address.

It should be noted we did not harm the humans in any way. Eschewing traps or tranquilizer darts, we instead gathered our samples through non-intrusive methods; digging through household garbage, picking up hair from salon and barber shop floors, wiping down empty glasses in restaurants, etc.

The survey sampled both old-timers and recent arrivals. We found that almost all members of families that had been here for three or more generations had between 3 and 4% Idyll-Beast DNA. Recent arrivals had less, although there were some surprising outliers. The results show just how illusory the supposed man/beast boundary really is and how, at least in the past, the human community was intimately connected to the Beast.

Researchers add that the specific Idyll-Beast DNA that local humans are carrying within their genome does not seem to express itself in any known morphological or behavioral sense. Rather it is part of the "noise" or so-called "junk DNA" that reside between active genes. We call it "Idyll-DNA."

Idyll-Beast Sighted at Chamber of Commerce Meeting

The Idyll-Beast sighting at the April 19^th Idyllwild Miniature Chamber of Commerce meeting raised many questions. Although acting president Ken Carlson welcomed the furry presence as a gesture of support for the Chamber, a more likely explanation for the sighting is the Idyll-Beast’s attraction to carrion. Or simple curiosity. The Beast is nothing if not curious, and no one at the Idyll-Beast Research Center is entirely sure who is studying whom.

Carlson’s motion to draft the beast as an officer on the Chamber Board was greeted with general consternation. Even an Idyll-Beast knows that Chamber by-laws prohibit nominations from the floor at the April meeting

The Beast brought popcorn, apparently believing some kind of show was in store. Carlson had promised a smack down with the Town Crier, accusing them of behavior unbecoming to a Chamber member and threatening them with expulsion. Representatives of the paper declined to dignify the challenge with a response, so Ken played to an empty house. The Beast dozed off several times during the proceedings, waking up when Steve Moulton suggested that the time had come for the Chamber to disappear. Idyll-Beasts love magic. Indeed the present rate of attrition has lead townspeople to speak of the “Incredible Shrinking Chamber of Commerce.”

Ten seats on the Board, three of them filled, and the three never seen in the same place at the same time. But Carlson is ever the optimist, still full of schemes to seize businesses through eminent domain to make way for public restrooms.

Apparently the Idyll-Beasts are taking notice. Don’t be surprised if Ken is soon tranquilized, inspected for parasites and rabies, and then released with a radio tracking collar.

Den of Antiquities

The dedication and hard work of our team of restoration experts have transformed the Idyll-Beat Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe (54875 B North Circle) into a den of antiquities. The most recent addition to our collection is a spectacular testimony to their expertise. This gorgeous fur covered "Beastern Standard Time" wall clock really brings back memories of old Idyllwild. It most likely graced the walls of one of our ancient public drinking establishments, perhaps the American Legion or Burley's. It pays tribute to the brief period of our history when Idyllwild declared its independence from the outside world as the "Beast Flag Republic," with its own time zone, Beastern Standard Time. This ran an hour to an hour-and-a-half (at least) behind the rest of the world, welcoming visitors into a more relaxed approach to time, one more tuned to the passing of the seasons than the sweep of the second hand. The illuminated portrait of Idy below invites us to join him for an evening of foraging and hijinx. The clock itself no longer runs. Perhaps it never did.

Pick of the Litter

Spring is here, whelping season. The days are getting longer and the beasts emerge from their lairs with gambolling beastlings. The Idyll-Beast Research Center is offering these deluxe furry Beast Crossing Signs to safety conscious Idyllwilders. The signs are covered by a double guarantee: First, no one has ever had an Idyll-Beast related accident near one of them. Second, we guaranteed them against hair loss and will gladly groom and trim the signs once installed. We provide mounting hardware, styling gel, and all inoculations.

Standard of Evidence

The photos below did not make it into this weeks Town Crier. There is an interesting story here, touching on editorial decisions and standards of evidence. I submitted a notice about the First Annual Idyll-Beast Research Center/ Astro Camp Beaster Egg Hunt to this paper and was asked for accompanying photographs. The photos I took were, to be honest, very blurry. And I guess the connection between bluriness and beastliness was lost on the editors. Luckily one of the hunters had taken some shots that were clearer. These were also submitted and rejected... the editor could not see the fur on the Beaster Eggs. At least not without putting his glasses on. Above, the reader will find an enlargement of the relevant basket and hopefully the fur will be visible to even the most skeptical. I welcome the application of the highest standard of evidence to the work of the Idyll-Beast Research Center, and am thankful for the opportunity to present our case to the reading public.

First Sunday after the first Beast sighting after the first full moon of spring

Sunday April 4^th marked the first annual Idyll-Beast Research Center/Astro Camp Beaster Egg Hunt. Astrocamp faculty and staff joined with members of “that other scientific organization on the hill” to celebrate the solemn and frivolous holiday. After the traditional reading of “the Legend of the Idyll-Beast” celebrants hunted for brightly colored fur covered eggs hidden by the Idyll-Beast around the meadow behind the Astrocamp lodge. The prize for most eggs gathered was awarded to the youngest hunter, Samantha Cunningham, who received an Idyll-Beast Research Center “Li’l Researcher Adventure Play Set.” The delicious treasure inside the eggs was shared after a festive meal.

Samantha really set an example, pushing much larger hunters out of her way to grab that last egg. This girl has definitely heard the call of the Idyll-Beast. She attended another egg hunt in town but complained the eggs were "too easy to find. Like they were hidden for three-year-olds." Congratulations to Samantha from the staff of the Idyll-Beast Research Center. Remember the Festival (July 3-4) and we will surely enter your name into consideration for Little Miss Beast. Or maybe Miss Tween Beast as the case may be.

Do I Smell a Deduction?

In hard times people talk about signs and portents. Well, a new sign has appeared in the window of the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe. It is a little confusing. It says "TAXE$00" but should say "TAXES $5.00." Steve (Moulton) was trying to economize a little by leaving a few letters off the sign. What he means to say is that he is offering his considerable financial acumen and formidable accounting skills to the general public at an unbelievably low price. Various services may be available, but the only one I am allowed to mention is the 1040 EZ. Five dollars.

You've heard the expression "squeeze that dollar 'til the old eagle grins?" Well grinning is just stage one of Steve's dollar squeezing, a highly technical process better left to the imagination. We at the Idyll-Beast Research Center stand behind his work. In the unlikely event that your return should be audited, we will send an accountant in a fur suit to defend you before the IRS. That will throw them off their game.

Interested parties may phone Steve at 659-4925. Tell him Idy sent you.