Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Deer Family

     In the interest of "research and scientific inquiry" the FBI has recently released documents from its vault regarding Bigfoot, specifically the analysis of hair samples purported to belong to the beloved crypto-hominid. These documents will be of interest to fans of government transparency and lovers of Bigfoot.  

     It seems that, during the 1970's, Bigfoot's identity was considered a matter of national security. Our nation's top law enforcement agency kept a file on the mysterious manimal and investigated credible reports of his activities. The file includes, in addition to newspaper articles and letters from researchers, fur and "tissue" samples which were forwarded to the relevant experts. The agency's Fur Analysis Laboratory returned a tantalizing verdict: the samples belonged to a member of the Deer family. 

     Reached at his Fern Valley redoubt, the Idyll-Beast looked over the documents and responded, "Yes, I've always considered Bigfoot to be a member of my dear family. I think an uncle." Bigfoot declined numerous requests for comment.

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Bebriefing

 With the close of the Mueller investigation and the delivery of the Special Prosecuotor's report to the Attorney General, we here in Idyllwilid have been expecting the release of the Idyll-Beast from service as Grand Jury Witness Emotional Support Animals.  And sure enough, a phone call came, and I had a trip to the airport to make, a trip Idyllwilders will know is now substantially longer due to weather damage to our local highways. The flight was a Red-Eye and would arrive before dawn.

     My first impression upon seeing Idy was that he had gained weight. The life of a Grand Jury  Witness Emotional Support Animal is not as glamorous as it may sound. The Beast was housed in an outside-the-beltway Motel 6, and lived on deliveries of fast food and the snacks that the prosecutor's team keep in their brief cases. Only a thorough examination will reveal the truth of the rumor that he also ate a "target" of the investigation. He is still unable to comment on Grand Jury proceedings, and the Idyll-Beast is a monster of discretion. We at the Research Center will be raking through the evidence for any "individual number two."

     I waited a moment, expecting Heidi to join Idy. He looked at me quizzically. "Where's Heidi?" I asked. He shifted his eyes and began making the mumbling/growling sound an Idyll-Beast makes when he or she is feigning the inability to produce articulate speech. "Come on Idy, is she here or not? Is she OK?"
     Idy seemed at last to find the right words. "Heidi is... continuing robustly. She's fine.  Not here..." I was perplexed. "The Investigation is over, right? She can't still be working for the Grand Jury?  The report... the no more indictments thing..." Idy interrupted me. "If I told you, I'd have to eat you." He waited a beat and made a sort of furry chuckle.

      I knew that there are many things a Grand Jury Witness Emotional Support Animal can never discuss, at least while proceedings are "under seal." The Beast had no luggage. We continued on to the car. As he eased himself into the passenger seat I sensed a weariness I had not observed before. I asked him how things had gone. He looked at me and paused, weighing his words carefully. He leaned towards me confidentially. Of his time in our nation's capitol he would only say: "What a Zoo!"

Thursday, March 7, 2019

Jury Duty

 With activity picking up in the chambers of the Grand Jury in the nation's capitol, staff are receiving enthusiastic responses from clients of our new service, Idyll-Beast Research Center Witness Protection Emotional Support Animals. Idyll-Beast are available now to accompany nervous witnesses to grand jury proceedings, both locally and in Washington D.C. 

 It seems that many witnesses presently being called to testify before the various Grand Juries have lost the knack of truth telling. They have become so accustomed to being rewarded for "stretching" the truth, or even letting loose with transparent fabrications, that they are uncertain how to proceed in an environment where straying from the facts could lead to jail time, and where truthfully testifying could implicate treasoners, perjurers, money launderers, and even dog stealers.  With many witness protection emotional support animals hiding under beds or even developing symptoms requiring that the animals themselves  be accompanied by emotional support animals, the Idyll-Beast has stepped into the breach. 

  Witnesses are finding that being able to rest a hand on a warm furry head and to glance from time to time into liquid, reassuring eyes, smooths their racing heartbeats, making it a little easier to tell sometimes difficult truths. Although not allowed to coach witnesses, the Beast is allowed to "encourage" them with occasional murmurs of "'Atta boy!" and "Who's a good witness?"

  If you are presently a cooperating witness or just need a little help to start cooperating, even if the targets of the investigation have threatened to harm or "take" your usual comfort or emotional support animal, contact us now. All communications will be considered privileged and absolute confidentiality is a hallmark of all services the Research Center provides.

This Week at the Idyll-Beast Research Center

The marvelous reality that is the Idyll-Beast Research Center. The place where the science and magic happen. Comfort and utility. 
So many stories to stay on top of in the news. Here are the top items:

Reporters on the legal beat are staking out a San Bernardino court room waiting for the next shoe to drop in the case that has been keeping court watchers, cryptozooligists and crypto enthusiasts up nights. When will the plaintiff refile? If the allegations in the first complaint are true, there is a crisis in our forests, bigfoot sightings being wrongly dismissed as "bears,"  thus leaving visitors in peril of a new kind of American Carnage. This story may end up shaping how the new governor's term is remembered, and the state's response  to the pleadings will likely be read and re-read by students of law and crypto-zoology for generation to come. Check this site frequently for updates.


Friday, November 30, 2018

Monday, April 2, 2018

Without Prejudice


     The Crestline-based Bigfoot researcher who filed suit against the state of California has dropped that case, but with the intent to refile. Attorneys apparently instructed the plaintiff that they would all be “eaten alive” if the action were pursued as drafted, and are now helping put the complaint on a better “footing.” With help from the producer of the recent Net-Flix documentary “Finding Bigfoot,” the plaintiff is in the process of enlisting a posse of a-list lawyers and technical experts. They plan to introduce a “mountain” of evidence. It seems every able-bodied litigator or Bigfoot researcher in the country will want a piece of this; they can see it advancing their careers or satisfying their love of justice. And cryptohominids.
    We have put two and two together here at the Idyll-Beast Research Center. The recent and concerning reports of the President’s difficulties in Washington, finding the right attorneys to represent him in any and all of his present “suite” of suits, points to a scarcity of crack legal talent in the nation’s capital. The lawyers, at least the sharp ones… are all moving to California. They may be living out of their cars at first. Some of them may be camping out around here this spring. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. Bound to drive up real estate, could make the courts and public restrooms more crowded… If the suit is refiled in San Bernardino again it will bring positive attention to the Inland Empire. And the limelight that is  bound to shine on the smart lawyers who get involved in this at the ground level will surely make their careers.

January 18 2018: Amicus Curae

Friends of the Court:
News consumers have by now heard the story: A Crestline Bigfoot researcher has filed suit against the State of California over a sighting in the San Bernardino mountains near Big Bear. A  911 operator suggested that the furry creature climbing a tree might be a bear, thus disparaging  and harming plaintiff’s ability to earn a living as a Bigfoot researcher, documentary subject and Crypto-Hominid travel guide. The State is also accused of dereliction in it’s dual duties; to protect people from a potentially dangerous animal and protect Bigfoot from people.
    This is a staggering development. It’s consequences for science, law, philosophy, and politics all deserve our attention. Reification is one of the most powerful ideas in philosophy, the “making real” of an idea. To make Sasquatch real through litigation…It is an audacious move. 
    There is a type of legal document called a “Friend of the Court Brief.” It allows a third party to add some information or argument to a case.  It may be a friendly aside to the Judge, it may be a “heads up.”  Reports are that such a brief is being prepared by a group called the “National Dragon Hunting Association.” The brief will put before the court arguments about the potential danger, to our forests and flammable mountain communities, of loose dragons. Further arguments advance the wisdom of permitting folks to hunt the dragons. An appendix debunks global warming and attributes California’s wildfire problem to these same fire breathing reptiles. Wow. And I thought 2018 was shaping up to be a slow news year.