Star-Struck

Evidence is still trickling in from the Third Annual Idyllwild International Festival of Cinema. In addition to the sighting inside the theater (see the January 17th post) there was what can only be described as a photo op on the Red Carpet earlier that day. One of the participants in the Festival, Director Ben Cooper, tracked down a member of our staff inquiring about the possibilities of an encounter between an Idyll-Beast and the Creature featured in his offering, "Primitive."

Soon after the call, "Idy" bounded out of the forest, across North Circle (looking both ways before crossing) and onto the Red Carpet. Ben did his best to corral the animal over to the area where a model of his creature was on display, but not before the Beast was thronged by admirers. A few accommodating visitors did allow themselves be photographed with the model, but all eyes, and cameras, were on the Beast. Posing with the ladies, holding the babies, exchanging grooming tips with the gentlemen, working the crowd. During a pause in the hub-bub, Cooper quipped to the Beast "You're really popular up here!"

"We don't get many celebrities in this town," was the Animal's reply.

The Beast Who Fell To Earth

This morning I was awoken by a curious scratching sound and a thump on the front porch. It was a little early for the UPS man, but I went downstairs and opened the door. I could have sworn I saw a furry figure vanish into the forest, and when I looked at my feet, I saw a manuscript tied up with string on the door mat. I took it inside and began reading. It turned out to be a “treatment” and screenplay for a very unusual psychological horror story.

In keeping with our practice of never abusing the attention of our gentle readers, I here reproduce the treatment alone. I think it conveys an accurate impression of the script.

THE BEAST WHO FELL TO EARTH

Copyright 2012, The Idyll-Beast Research Center. All rights reserved

Opening shots, forested mountain. Birds sing, a creek chatters, squirrels gossip, a coyote saunters warily. A furry biped is carrying a handful of berries and tubers. He approaches a Heidi Beast and a Cub, both intent upon the grinding of acorns. Scenes of domestic tranquility.

Night in the forest. The Beast family sleeps peacefully.

As the Beast sleeps he dreams…

A human face at the mirror, shaving. The man (the Hunter) walks downstairs past mounted antlers and animal heads. He takes a few bites of his breakfast and throws the rest down a noisy garbage disposal. He gets into a truck, starts up its smoke belching engine, and heads for the mountains.

We see the man taking a huge rifle out of its bag and heading up a trail. Soon shots echo through the valley and creatures are falling. The hunter beheads their lifeless bodies and leaves the good parts there to rot.

The Idyll-Beast wakes up in a cold sweat, his pulse racing. He jumps up and realizes it was only a dream…

But then while eating breakfast he hears a rifle shot… or was it only thunder?

The next night he dreams again. He again looks a strange face in the mirror as it emerges from shaving cream. This man (the Truck Driver) goes downstairs and kicks his dog. He treats his mate little better, and twists the ear of his child. He gets into a smoke-belching truck and heads onto the freeway, cursing the other drivers and honking his horn.

The Beast again wakes with a start. His mate is now concerned, and they attempt to comfort one another. At lunch he hears what sounds like the air horn of the truck in his dream. Or was it a bird?

The dreams continue: a doctor performing cruel experiments on monkeys, a farmer keeping pigs on a factory farm, a politician accepting bribes from the owner of a meat-packing consortium, a child who sets ants on fire with a magnifying glass, pulls his cat’s tail and pins butterflies to cards.

Increasingly agitated the Beast seeks solitude in a strange part of the forest., journeying further than he ever has before. He sits down to rest. Suddenly he feels a prick in his shoulder and sees a little colored dart sticking out of his furry flesh. He becomes dizzy and falls to the forest floor. Before he loses consciousness he sees emerging from behind a tree…. The Hunter!

When he regains consciousness he is bound and being carried from the Hunter’s truck to another larger vehicle. At the wheel… the Truck Driver!

They take him to a laboratory where the doctor removes his mask to reveal… the frightened face of …the Experimenter…

Finally the Beast ends up in a cage at a circus side show. A curtain rises and the other monsters from his dreams are crowded around, gawking with open mouths and looks of fear…

False ending. Fade to black.

Then we see the Hunter waking from a dream, shaking and screaming, sweat soaking his night shirt.

The Truck Driver also wakes in the cab of his truck, and notices he has wet his pants.

The Experimenter leaps from his bed, clutching his heart, eyes popping in horror. One after another the monsters waken in fear and trembling as the credits roll.

THE END

Film makers interested in optioning the script should contact the Idyll-Beast Research Center. I think it could be a monster.

That Would Be Scary

This last weekend the Third Annual Idyllwild International Festival of Cinema rolled out the red carpet. Locals and visitors alike sampled a wide range of hits and near misses: Documentaries, mysteries, dramas, comedies, movies about animals eating people... Something for everyone. Indeed, the Saturday night screening of Ben Cooper's "Primitive" drew a familiar furry presence out of the forest and into the Rustic Theater. Bystanders report the Idyll-Beast was there in his official capacity as a member of the Board of Directors of the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce.

At first seating himself (with a large bucket of "delicious" popcorn) at the rear of the theater, he soon noticed Chamber Mascot Steve Moulton and joined him.

In an interview Steve stated:

The Beast offered me some of his popcorn, but when I tried it I got a mouthful of fur. Those paws of his get fur in everything. The Beast seemed really interested in a film that he had heard was "about eating," but seemed a little disappointed by the film's "stereotypical depiction of fur-covered Americans." After about a half hour he stopped eating his popcorn and never finished. I think he stayed until the end just to be polite. When the lights came up I wasn't sure what to expect. He hemmed and hawed a little bit, complimented the acting and direction, the cinematography and especially the music. "Very professional." Before he left he said something about "just for once they should make a film about an animal that dreams he is a human and does terrible things. That would be scary."

Philosophy and the Beast

The Idyll-Beast are a philosophical species and through the centuries distinct schools of thought have emerged from their attempts to treat life’s most pressing questions. In general, Beast Philosophy is divided into Epistemology, Metaphysics, Ethics and Gastronomy.

Epistemology deals with questions of knowability: How do we know if an object or being is delicious? Can we truly know if it is delicious without eating it? What if we are deprived even of the sense of smell?

Metaphysics deals with the nature of reality and our minds. Is deliciousness an inherent quality of a thing-in-itself, or does it only exist in the mind (and mouth) of the philosopher?

Ethics treats our behavior as if affects other beings. Is there a Gastronomical Suspension of the Ethical? Does deliciousness transcend ethics? How should we divide shared snacks?

Gastronomy is considered the foundation of Beast philosophy and has many applied and theoretical divisions. Its empirical branches include anatomy, chemistry, physics, geometry and sleight-of-paw. Theoretical topics center around nature/nurture theories of deliciousness, Speculative Gastronomy, Criticism and Analysis.

The Idyll-Beast believe that philosophy exists to sharpen the mind as well as the appetite, and that the examination of insoluble questions teaches humility as well as table manners.

INN-POSSIBLE

The Beast watching community will be out in force this Tuesday night, the 13th of December. That's the night of one of Idyllwild's newest traditions, the Inns of Idyllwild Holiday Open House and Tour. Reliable sources report that last year's tour included snacks at each stop, and the these snacks were delicious. Circumstances seem just right for Idyll-Beast sightings.

This year there will be 11 stops:

Apple Blossom Inn
Creekstone Inn
Fern Valley Inn
Fireside Inn
Idyllwild Inn
Peaceful Mountain Inn
Quiet Creek Inn
Rainbow Inn
Silver Pines
Strawberry Creek Bunkhouse
Strawberry Creek Inn

Investigators are readying their cameras in hopes of catching a glimpse of "the most famous animal in our forest." The tour will last from 5-8PM, and those with canned food or toys will find drop boxes for donations to assist the Help Center in providing a little Holiday cheer for our less fortunate neighbors.

Award-Winning Journalism

Idyllwild was recently visited by a crack team of investigative reporters from KPSP Channel 2’s “Eye on the Desert.” These intrepid news-people were on the track of the Idyll-Beast, the animal and the cultural phenomenon. Their hard work paid off handsomely and the results are astounding. The video has been captured and is resting comfortably on the YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNLJUxdduQc

It is a sympathetic but clear-eyed look at the facts and opinions surrounding the Beast and its role in our local culture and economy. Interviews include Café Aroma’s Chef de Cuisine Francis Machine and server Chenay, a Harley riding Beast hunter, and yours truly in my official capacity as Director of the Idyll-Beast Research Center.

The news team took the time to go beyond idle speculation and man-on-the-street sound bites, venturing out into our forest to seek evidence of its most famous resident. Viewing the footage myself for the first time I was impressed with the skill with which a sometimes-rambling interview was distilled into its most important elements. These people ask the right questions and know gold when they find it. From a videographic point of view the segment also broke new ground. Some would say it is the most provocative crypto-zoological evidence since the Patterson/Gimlin footage.

Our heartfelt thanks go out to Carolyn Moloshco of Channel 2 and her technical crew. You are truly friends of Idyllwild. And friends of the Idyll-Beast.

Animal Control

. Recent tragic news from Ohio reminded our researchers of a series of events that unfolded in our own community not so many decades ago. A local business-man who was acting as director of the Idyll-Beast Research Center had started what he called a “Zoo” but county agents declared a “hoard.” Instead of the usual animals, like lions, tigers and bears, he had procured members of the Board of Directors of the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce. The “collection” started with at-large directors and soon the President, Secretary, Treasurer and both Vice Presidents were ensconced in chain-link enclosures out behind the Research Center. Animal Control officers responded to complaints about noise and smell from neighbors and discovered deplorable conditions: creatures stressed by confinement in cages adjoining those of natural predators suffered so much stress that their hair was falling out in clumps. Some of the animals had chewed each other’s tails off. (Chamber watchers say this is where the custom of chamber directors appearing tailless first began.) As for sanitary conditions, the less said the better.

Citations from the county began to pile up, and finally the sheriff was called in to arrest the amateur “zoo-keeper.” Tensions ran high as the possibility of an armed stand-off loomed. When the SWAT team finally entered the offices of the Idyll-Beast Research Center, the zoo-keeper was nowhere to be found. A quick investigation revealed that the animals had all been released, the cage doors left open. A tattered jacket and shreds of what was believed to be the zoo-keeper’s clothing were found outside the cages.

Now the Animal Control Services’ own SWAT team sped into action, fanning out through the valley with nets and tranquilizer darts. Humane traps were placed outside meeting places frequented by the Directors, baited with grant money and Certificates of Appreciation. Finally, on the third Monday of the month, the whole menagerie was captured without incident outside the Water District meeting room. The town’s nightmare was over, and residents could get some sleep.

It took many years to repair the rift between the Idyll-Beast Research Center and the Chamber of Commerce. We are happy to say relations are now once again cordial. Not only is the Director of the Research Center an officer of the Chamber, but an Idyll-Beast has been elected to the Board. And we understand why community support for our proposed Beast Cove Petting Zoo has been hard to come by.