It has been hard to get specifics regarding the purported lawsuit “Idyll-Beast vs. Delicious Strangers, John and Jane Does, Idyllwilders 1-3,000.” A search of county court records returned inconclusive results, but as they say “absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.”
Stories have been overheard at the bar at Café Aroma; one defendant tried to have the case moved from “Limited Civil” (under $25,000) to Superior Court. The defendant’s reasoning was that as a Jazz musician he is of cultural value to the community, at least in the “high six figures.” According to our source the judge denied the motion, ruling that the suit was not about his value as an artist but as taco filler, and that even allowing that his “well marbled flesh” might fetch the same price as Kobe beef, this would still fall below the $25,000 thresh hold.
Other defendants are said to be taking an opposite tack, starving themselves to deprive the Beast of any nutritional value, or cause him to loose interest and drop the suit. This strategy has resulted, so we hear, in a “motion to compel” the defendants to continue eating, and, should they refuse nourishment, to be force-fed like foie gras geese.
I can state categorically that the suit was not filed by the Idyll-Beast Research Center, and the Beast himself has denied initiating any legal action. When asked, the Idyll-Beast suggested that suit was the work of “…another animal, most likely an Attorney Vulture.” To those of you unfamiliar with this unusual scavenger allow me to quote from the Audubon guide:
“The Attorney Vulture is unique among the buzzard family in its method of hunting. Having chosen its prey from among the law-abiding denizens of the forest, the creature files a frivolous lawsuit or sham pleading in the name of a puppet plaintiff, choosing an easily confused and ostensibly indigent creature for this role. The intended victim is then forced to respond to the suit and an ensuing barrage of motions and interrogatories, dashing back and forth across the highway until, if the Attorney-Vulture is lucky, they are struck by a speeding vehicle. The Attorney Vulture can then dine at his leisure, but not before lamenting hypocritically about the dangers of the legal system and the often-calamitous effects of litigation.
Like most members of the Buzzard Family the Attorney Vulture has a bald, featherless head to facilitate gorging itself on the rotting carcasses of its prey. In keeping with the tradition of the old English barristers, however, the birds are sometimes known to sport a wig with a ponytail.