That Would Be Scary

This last weekend the Third Annual Idyllwild International Festival of Cinema rolled out the red carpet. Locals and visitors alike sampled a wide range of hits and near misses: Documentaries, mysteries, dramas, comedies, movies about animals eating people... Something for everyone. Indeed, the Saturday night screening of Ben Cooper's "Primitive" drew a familiar furry presence out of the forest and into the Rustic Theater. Bystanders report the Idyll-Beast was there in his official capacity as a member of the Board of Directors of the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce.

At first seating himself (with a large bucket of "delicious" popcorn) at the rear of the theater, he soon noticed Chamber Mascot Steve Moulton and joined him.

In an interview Steve stated:

The Beast offered me some of his popcorn, but when I tried it I got a mouthful of fur. Those paws of his get fur in everything. The Beast seemed really interested in a film that he had heard was "about eating," but seemed a little disappointed by the film's "stereotypical depiction of fur-covered Americans." After about a half hour he stopped eating his popcorn and never finished. I think he stayed until the end just to be polite. When the lights came up I wasn't sure what to expect. He hemmed and hawed a little bit, complimented the acting and direction, the cinematography and especially the music. "Very professional." Before he left he said something about "just for once they should make a film about an animal that dreams he is a human and does terrible things. That would be scary."

Philosophy and the Beast

The Idyll-Beast are a philosophical species and through the centuries distinct schools of thought have emerged from their attempts to treat life’s most pressing questions. In general, Beast Philosophy is divided into Epistemology, Metaphysics, Ethics and Gastronomy.

Epistemology deals with questions of knowability: How do we know if an object or being is delicious? Can we truly know if it is delicious without eating it? What if we are deprived even of the sense of smell?

Metaphysics deals with the nature of reality and our minds. Is deliciousness an inherent quality of a thing-in-itself, or does it only exist in the mind (and mouth) of the philosopher?

Ethics treats our behavior as if affects other beings. Is there a Gastronomical Suspension of the Ethical? Does deliciousness transcend ethics? How should we divide shared snacks?

Gastronomy is considered the foundation of Beast philosophy and has many applied and theoretical divisions. Its empirical branches include anatomy, chemistry, physics, geometry and sleight-of-paw. Theoretical topics center around nature/nurture theories of deliciousness, Speculative Gastronomy, Criticism and Analysis.

The Idyll-Beast believe that philosophy exists to sharpen the mind as well as the appetite, and that the examination of insoluble questions teaches humility as well as table manners.

INN-POSSIBLE

The Beast watching community will be out in force this Tuesday night, the 13th of December. That's the night of one of Idyllwild's newest traditions, the Inns of Idyllwild Holiday Open House and Tour. Reliable sources report that last year's tour included snacks at each stop, and the these snacks were delicious. Circumstances seem just right for Idyll-Beast sightings.

This year there will be 11 stops:

Apple Blossom Inn
Creekstone Inn
Fern Valley Inn
Fireside Inn
Idyllwild Inn
Peaceful Mountain Inn
Quiet Creek Inn
Rainbow Inn
Silver Pines
Strawberry Creek Bunkhouse
Strawberry Creek Inn

Investigators are readying their cameras in hopes of catching a glimpse of "the most famous animal in our forest." The tour will last from 5-8PM, and those with canned food or toys will find drop boxes for donations to assist the Help Center in providing a little Holiday cheer for our less fortunate neighbors.

Award-Winning Journalism

Idyllwild was recently visited by a crack team of investigative reporters from KPSP Channel 2’s “Eye on the Desert.” These intrepid news-people were on the track of the Idyll-Beast, the animal and the cultural phenomenon. Their hard work paid off handsomely and the results are astounding. The video has been captured and is resting comfortably on the YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNLJUxdduQc

It is a sympathetic but clear-eyed look at the facts and opinions surrounding the Beast and its role in our local culture and economy. Interviews include Café Aroma’s Chef de Cuisine Francis Machine and server Chenay, a Harley riding Beast hunter, and yours truly in my official capacity as Director of the Idyll-Beast Research Center.

The news team took the time to go beyond idle speculation and man-on-the-street sound bites, venturing out into our forest to seek evidence of its most famous resident. Viewing the footage myself for the first time I was impressed with the skill with which a sometimes-rambling interview was distilled into its most important elements. These people ask the right questions and know gold when they find it. From a videographic point of view the segment also broke new ground. Some would say it is the most provocative crypto-zoological evidence since the Patterson/Gimlin footage.

Our heartfelt thanks go out to Carolyn Moloshco of Channel 2 and her technical crew. You are truly friends of Idyllwild. And friends of the Idyll-Beast.

Animal Control

. Recent tragic news from Ohio reminded our researchers of a series of events that unfolded in our own community not so many decades ago. A local business-man who was acting as director of the Idyll-Beast Research Center had started what he called a “Zoo” but county agents declared a “hoard.” Instead of the usual animals, like lions, tigers and bears, he had procured members of the Board of Directors of the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce. The “collection” started with at-large directors and soon the President, Secretary, Treasurer and both Vice Presidents were ensconced in chain-link enclosures out behind the Research Center. Animal Control officers responded to complaints about noise and smell from neighbors and discovered deplorable conditions: creatures stressed by confinement in cages adjoining those of natural predators suffered so much stress that their hair was falling out in clumps. Some of the animals had chewed each other’s tails off. (Chamber watchers say this is where the custom of chamber directors appearing tailless first began.) As for sanitary conditions, the less said the better.

Citations from the county began to pile up, and finally the sheriff was called in to arrest the amateur “zoo-keeper.” Tensions ran high as the possibility of an armed stand-off loomed. When the SWAT team finally entered the offices of the Idyll-Beast Research Center, the zoo-keeper was nowhere to be found. A quick investigation revealed that the animals had all been released, the cage doors left open. A tattered jacket and shreds of what was believed to be the zoo-keeper’s clothing were found outside the cages.

Now the Animal Control Services’ own SWAT team sped into action, fanning out through the valley with nets and tranquilizer darts. Humane traps were placed outside meeting places frequented by the Directors, baited with grant money and Certificates of Appreciation. Finally, on the third Monday of the month, the whole menagerie was captured without incident outside the Water District meeting room. The town’s nightmare was over, and residents could get some sleep.

It took many years to repair the rift between the Idyll-Beast Research Center and the Chamber of Commerce. We are happy to say relations are now once again cordial. Not only is the Director of the Research Center an officer of the Chamber, but an Idyll-Beast has been elected to the Board. And we understand why community support for our proposed Beast Cove Petting Zoo has been hard to come by.

Zeke Remembers: Our Proudest Chapter

Readers: From time to time, we hand over this space to our "Rememberer in Chief," Zeke. He remembers things no one else has heard of, and is a living relic of bygone times. Today he discusses the "Beast Flag Republic." Memories made timely by recent events....

Now-a-days folks are talking about secession. And not just in Texas. With the “sesquecentenial” of the Civil War some say the South will rise again. Or take one long step off a short pier and into the historical mire.

Idyllwild has had its share of brave separatists throughout its history, and most have at some point cloaked themselves in the Beast Flag. This was inspired by the California Republic flag, or vice versa. Some say Northerners who’d never seen an Idyll-Beast saw the Beast Flag, liked the color scheme, and slapped a then more common “beast”, the Grizzly Bear, in the place of honor.

June 14^th 1846 is the date usually ascribed to both the Northern Rebellion against Mexico and the local Beast Flag Rebellion. The two groups were apparently in communication, part of a network of insurrectionists. Although the Bear Flag over Sutter's Fort was replaced with the Stars and Stripes twelve days later, the Beast Flag lasted longer. Being beneath the notice of the powers that were, the flag continued to wave over the valley until someone stole it. The original may still be in some local attic or man cave. Or maybe in that shed out behind the Town Hall where the Chamber of Commerce keeps its ritual implements, next to the Lost Ark of the Chamber Bylaws.

Since the “Rebellion” was never officially put down, its leaders continued to exert influence in local affairs. They formed a group that sometimes met publicly, sometimes in secret, depending on the spirit of the times. Referred to as the “Ancient and Honorable Order of the Idyll-Beast” they are the closest thing Idyllwild has to Freemasons. Outside the Rotary Club, that is.

Considered by some to be Enlightened Business Men, by others irreligious subversives, the group has passed down secret rituals and symbols from generation to generation. Few among the living still know the special handshake. They say Hill Champion lost his eye sight learning it. Not for the faint-of-heart. From time to time members of this arcane brotherhood have hoisted the Beast Flag as a reminder of our independent spirit.

The story goes that the very first Idyll-Beast Festival grew out of one of these “rebellions.” In 1911 (or there-abouts) a group of local businessmen banded together and once more ran “Idy” up the flag pole. Their complaints included excessive taxation, fiscal irresponsibility in Sacramento, and the high price of paregoric. This time word spread to the Capitol and the State Militia was sent in to put down the scrappy secessionists. As word of the approaching squadron reached Idyllwild, locals banded together to seek a way to avoid armed conflict. In a stroke of home-spun genius, the revolt was rebranded as the “Idyll-Beast Festival.” Banners were hung around the entrances to town, programs printed, events (including the first “Miss Idyll-Beast Pageant”) were hastily arranged. The invading troops were invited to a weekend of music, arts and crafts and cheap beer. (But not so cheap that local innkeepers didn’t make a tidy profit.) The festival ended up lasting into the coming week, and another contingent of troops had to be sent in to shut down the taverns and drag the hung-over soldiers back to their barracks.

He who makes a Beast of Himself...

We at the Idyll-Beast Research Center are looking forward with keen anticipation to the upcoming Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce Director's Installation Dinner (Wednesday July 13th, 6 pm, Jo'Ans, $15, no host bar...) As the Idyll-Beast was among the top vote-getters in the balloting, knowledgeable researchers will be awaiting the Beast's appearance. Informed sources theorize that the dinner will be "delicious."

The true highlight of the evening is bound to be the visit by County Supervisor Jeff Stone. All eyes are on the Supervisor these days following his bold proposal for the secession of 13 Southern California counties, to form a new state separate from Sacramento and the North. Look it up, curious people. Although the Chamber of Commerce has yet to release a statement pro or con, and the Idyll-Beast Research Center is not a political organization, we do have a suggestion for a flag for the new state...