There were some challenges in training the Idyll-Beast to keep the table neat. Those big paws were not made for straightening up tightly spaced piles of brochures, but I think he’s getting the hang of it. Our Beast-Whisperers have also done a great job of developing the Animal’s “script.” We have replaced last year’s greeting, “You look delicious” (maybe too provocative) with the more business-like “Have you ever been to Idyllwild?” His old sign-off line “Look me up when you’re in town” was also deemed by some too personal and he now ends each conversation with “See you in Idyllwild!”
This brings up a sensitive subject. Some members of the community have suggested that the Idyll-Beast “scares children.” I am always quick to ask if the speaker has actually seen a Beast scare a child or heard a child complain about being scared. Or is the complainer just projecting? Setting aside for the moment the fact that many Idyllwilders “scare children” and are still allowed out in public, I would like to point out that the only incidents I have personally witnessed were the results of parents (generally new fathers) who were unclear on the protocol for introducing babes in arms to a new animal. Some careless adults see the Idyll-Beast and just push the carriage right up to him, forgetting themselves completely and giving junior something of a shock when he or she glances up from their bottle to see a mountain of fur towering over them.
I believe the proper method is common knowledge, but among modern parents it is unwise to assume anything, so here I present a digest of accepted practices:
Upon seeing a new animal, park the carriage at a safe distance, 10 to 20 feet. Gently direct the child’s attention to the animal. Smile.
Leaving the carriage (preferable with a parent or other familiar adult) approach the animal yourself slowly, being sure to smile and present yourself in a non-threatening manner.
Having greeted the animal and asked its permission, you may pet, shake hands, or put an arm around the creature. Again make eye contact with your child, smile, and make reassuring noises.
Finally, if the child seems willing, slowly bring the child closer to the animal and create a suitable photo-op.
It should also be mentioned that our Idyll-Beasts have received sensitivity training. Don’t approach little ones, let them approach you. Identify yourself as a representative of the Chamber of Commerce. Never go through hand bags, back packs or vehicles in search of snacks. When greeting visitors “Welcome to Idyllwild!” is preferred over “you look delicious!” Always refer to children as “Offspring” and not “appetizers” or “tasty little morsels.”
We are presently preparing a customer satisfaction survey that will allow visitors to rate their “encounter” and give the Chamber some metrics. Contactees will be asked to rate their Idyll-Beast on courteousness, grooming, and general knowledge. Science marches forward.
It was about two years ago that we began to think of getting a pet for the Idyll-Beast. We introduced him to a number of cats and dogs, and then took him to meet several shop-keepers and restaurateurs, but the animal seemed unsure….until the evening he saw a Chamber of Commerce meeting. I was reminded of the first time I saw an aquarium; the brightly colored creatures flashing too and fro, some alone, some in little schools, the sense of a jewel-like miniature world under the unearthly glow of the fluorescent light. Looking through the plate glass at the Water District that night, I knew Idy was hooked.
The Beast was fascinated with his new hobby. He learned to tell the various officers apart, explaining to anyone who would listen the difference between the first and second Vice-President. “The Second Vice-President is taller, and handles membership.” After a few months Idy succeeded in hand feeding most of the directors, and even found a little castle and a scuba diver to decorate the meeting room.
Keeping pets, as we all know, is not without its moments of grief. One morning I woke to find one of my little gems colorless and belly up. I remember having to scoop it out with a net. My elders explained that “burial at sea” was an appropriate method of interment. So sad watching the little fellow spin around in the porcelain before vanishing into the hereafter.
So it was with heavy heart that the Idyll-Beast took out his net at the recent meeting of the Board of Directors, at which President Nick Todd’s resignation was accepted by the other Directors. Todd had not been himself lately, his color fading, his fins drooping. He never really recovered from his encounter with the larger fish from the County. The debacle of the Town Hall lease left him feeling filleted and salted. Luckily for Todd, there is compelling evidence for life after the Chamber of Commerce
This morning I was awoken by a curious scratching sound and a thump on the front porch. It was a little early for the UPS man, but I went downstairs and opened the door. I could have sworn I saw a furry figure vanish into the forest, and when I looked at my feet, I saw a manuscript tied up with string on the door mat. I took it inside and began reading. It turned out to be a “treatment” and screenplay for a very unusual psychological horror story.
In keeping with our practice of never abusing the attention of our gentle readers, I here reproduce the treatment alone. I think it conveys an accurate impression of the script.
THE BEAST WHO FELL TO EARTH
Copyright 2012, The Idyll-Beast Research Center. All rights reserved
Opening shots, forested mountain. Birds sing, a creek chatters, squirrels gossip, a coyote saunters warily. A furry biped is carrying a handful of berries and tubers. He approaches a Heidi Beast and a Cub, both intent upon the grinding of acorns. Scenes of domestic tranquility.
Night in the forest. The Beast family sleeps peacefully.
As the Beast sleeps he dreams…
A human face at the mirror, shaving. The man (the Hunter) walks downstairs past mounted antlers and animal heads. He takes a few bites of his breakfast and throws the rest down a noisy garbage disposal. He gets into a truck, starts up its smoke belching engine, and heads for the mountains.
We see the man taking a huge rifle out of its bag and heading up a trail. Soon shots echo through the valley and creatures are falling. The hunter beheads their lifeless bodies and leaves the good parts there to rot.
The Idyll-Beast wakes up in a cold sweat, his pulse racing. He jumps up and realizes it was only a dream…
But then while eating breakfast he hears a rifle shot… or was it only thunder?
The next night he dreams again. He again looks a strange face in the mirror as it emerges from shaving cream. This man (the Truck Driver) goes downstairs and kicks his dog. He treats his mate little better, and twists the ear of his child. He gets into a smoke-belching truck and heads onto the freeway, cursing the other drivers and honking his horn.
The Beast again wakes with a start. His mate is now concerned, and they attempt to comfort one another. At lunch he hears what sounds like the air horn of the truck in his dream. Or was it a bird?
The dreams continue: a doctor performing cruel experiments on monkeys, a farmer keeping pigs on a factory farm, a politician accepting bribes from the owner of a meat-packing consortium, a child who sets ants on fire with a magnifying glass, pulls his cat’s tail and pins butterflies to cards.
Increasingly agitated the Beast seeks solitude in a strange part of the forest., journeying further than he ever has before. He sits down to rest. Suddenly he feels a prick in his shoulder and sees a little colored dart sticking out of his furry flesh. He becomes dizzy and falls to the forest floor. Before he loses consciousness he sees emerging from behind a tree…. The Hunter!
When he regains consciousness he is bound and being carried from the Hunter’s truck to another larger vehicle. At the wheel… the Truck Driver!
They take him to a laboratory where the doctor removes his mask to reveal… the frightened face of …the Experimenter…
Finally the Beast ends up in a cage at a circus side show. A curtain rises and the other monsters from his dreams are crowded around, gawking with open mouths and looks of fear…
False ending. Fade to black.
Then we see the Hunter waking from a dream, shaking and screaming, sweat soaking his night shirt.
The Truck Driver also wakes in the cab of his truck, and notices he has wet his pants.
The Experimenter leaps from his bed, clutching his heart, eyes popping in horror. One after another the monsters waken in fear and trembling as the credits roll.
THE END
