Den of Antiquities

The dedication and hard work of our team of restoration experts have transformed the Idyll-Beat Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe (54875 B North Circle) into a den of antiquities. The most recent addition to our collection is a spectacular testimony to their expertise. This gorgeous fur covered "Beastern Standard Time" wall clock really brings back memories of old Idyllwild. It most likely graced the walls of one of our ancient public drinking establishments, perhaps the American Legion or Burley's. It pays tribute to the brief period of our history when Idyllwild declared its independence from the outside world as the "Beast Flag Republic," with its own time zone, Beastern Standard Time. This ran an hour to an hour-and-a-half (at least) behind the rest of the world, welcoming visitors into a more relaxed approach to time, one more tuned to the passing of the seasons than the sweep of the second hand. The illuminated portrait of Idy below invites us to join him for an evening of foraging and hijinx. The clock itself no longer runs. Perhaps it never did.

Pick of the Litter

Spring is here, whelping season. The days are getting longer and the beasts emerge from their lairs with gambolling beastlings. The Idyll-Beast Research Center is offering these deluxe furry Beast Crossing Signs to safety conscious Idyllwilders. The signs are covered by a double guarantee: First, no one has ever had an Idyll-Beast related accident near one of them. Second, we guaranteed them against hair loss and will gladly groom and trim the signs once installed. We provide mounting hardware, styling gel, and all inoculations.

Standard of Evidence

The photos below did not make it into this weeks Town Crier. There is an interesting story here, touching on editorial decisions and standards of evidence. I submitted a notice about the First Annual Idyll-Beast Research Center/ Astro Camp Beaster Egg Hunt to this paper and was asked for accompanying photographs. The photos I took were, to be honest, very blurry. And I guess the connection between bluriness and beastliness was lost on the editors. Luckily one of the hunters had taken some shots that were clearer. These were also submitted and rejected... the editor could not see the fur on the Beaster Eggs. At least not without putting his glasses on. Above, the reader will find an enlargement of the relevant basket and hopefully the fur will be visible to even the most skeptical. I welcome the application of the highest standard of evidence to the work of the Idyll-Beast Research Center, and am thankful for the opportunity to present our case to the reading public.

First Sunday after the first Beast sighting after the first full moon of spring

Sunday April 4^th marked the first annual Idyll-Beast Research Center/Astro Camp Beaster Egg Hunt. Astrocamp faculty and staff joined with members of “that other scientific organization on the hill” to celebrate the solemn and frivolous holiday. After the traditional reading of “the Legend of the Idyll-Beast” celebrants hunted for brightly colored fur covered eggs hidden by the Idyll-Beast around the meadow behind the Astrocamp lodge. The prize for most eggs gathered was awarded to the youngest hunter, Samantha Cunningham, who received an Idyll-Beast Research Center “Li’l Researcher Adventure Play Set.” The delicious treasure inside the eggs was shared after a festive meal.

Samantha really set an example, pushing much larger hunters out of her way to grab that last egg. This girl has definitely heard the call of the Idyll-Beast. She attended another egg hunt in town but complained the eggs were "too easy to find. Like they were hidden for three-year-olds." Congratulations to Samantha from the staff of the Idyll-Beast Research Center. Remember the Festival (July 3-4) and we will surely enter your name into consideration for Little Miss Beast. Or maybe Miss Tween Beast as the case may be.

Do I Smell a Deduction?

In hard times people talk about signs and portents. Well, a new sign has appeared in the window of the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe. It is a little confusing. It says "TAXE$00" but should say "TAXES $5.00." Steve (Moulton) was trying to economize a little by leaving a few letters off the sign. What he means to say is that he is offering his considerable financial acumen and formidable accounting skills to the general public at an unbelievably low price. Various services may be available, but the only one I am allowed to mention is the 1040 EZ. Five dollars.

You've heard the expression "squeeze that dollar 'til the old eagle grins?" Well grinning is just stage one of Steve's dollar squeezing, a highly technical process better left to the imagination. We at the Idyll-Beast Research Center stand behind his work. In the unlikely event that your return should be audited, we will send an accountant in a fur suit to defend you before the IRS. That will throw them off their game.

Interested parties may phone Steve at 659-4925. Tell him Idy sent you.

Fore!

Update: The Idyllwild Miniature Chamber of Commerce (see our earlier post) has found a worthy task. First a little back history. It seems that the coalition of local business owners working on our latest tourist attraction, the Idyllwild Miniature Golf course, attracted the attention of a group known as the Global Anti-Golf Movement (GAGM.)

This group has for years been a gadfly to owners of golf courses world-wide. Mostly they criticize the environmental impact of greens-keeping practices. It turns out an astonishing amount of water is used to keep those greens so pretty, so much so that each 18 holes of golf consumes an average of 80,000 (eighty thousand) flushes of an ordinary toilet. And then there are the pesticides and fertilizers. Beyond the envoronmentalist angle, they go on to call Golf a human rights violation and say it fosters elitism.

Our project is an indoor course that takes the golfer through 18 local businesses. Teeing off at the Creek House in Fern Valley, (par 3) avoiding the water hazards in the restroom of the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shoppe (par 5), a hole in one at Bubba’s books, winding through Café Aroma (par 7) and ending up, after 13 more stops including Jo Ann’s, the Liquor store and the Hardware store, at the Haunted Trailer Park. The idea of the course is to provide a good, wholesome, non-elitest leisure activity while acquainting visitors with many of our local shops and restaurants. All a shopkeeper needs to participate is a tin can tucked away in a corner and some signs directing the golfer from the “tee” by the front door, past their merchandise and to the “hole.”

When our plan was explained to the good folks at the GAGM they quickly withdrew their opposition to the proposed course. But then a splinter group, the Global Anti-Miniature Golf Association (GAMGA) reared its ugly little head. You know how they say sometimes the smallest arguments are the nastiest? Well, these difficult people mean business. It turns out they are part of the Creationist/Global Warming deniers’ camp. They claim that the little concrete volcanoes at miniature golf courses contribute more green house gases than all the world’s cars and cows combined (they heard this on the radio) and that the concrete dinosaurs embarrass parents trying to bring their children up on the biblical account of creation. Furthermore they claim that those little windmills are part of a socialist agenda to brainwash children into thinking of wind power as a friendly source of clean renewable energy instead of an economy-sinking boondoggle.

So we were more than happy when Idyllwild Miniature Chamber of Commerce head Ken Carlson offered his considerable charm and talent to explain to this latest band of misguided crusaders that our course will be nothing like that. No dinosaurs, no volcanoes, no windmills (yet,) just 18 holes (at least) of retail, dining and service. It’ll be down right patriotic. Eighteen opportunities for enterprising local business folk to come between flat-landers and their money. or pardon me, administer a little retail therapy. Imagine how easy it will be to talk a customer into another (cappuccino, squirrel neck tie, high colonic, whatever) while he or she is trying to putt their way out of Flufffy’s “sand trap” in the bathroom.

And this is so cheap. The clubs and balls we picked up at the Help Center. I don’t even need to get them back when people finish the course. I’m making the little signs myself. When the going gets tough, the enterprising get cracking. Who was it who said “It is only when you are pursued that you become swift?”

New Chamber

A few days back we mentioned the demise of the Chamber of Commerce. It seems we were a bit premature. Chamber President and last man standing Ken Carlson has announced the start up of a new Chamber, the Idyllwild Miniature Chamber of Commerce. "We'll save a lot of money on this," explained Carlson. "We'll move to a much smaller office, for one thing. And we'll focus on really small bussiness people." Various locations have been suggested for this new office. The Idyllbeast Research Center has offered the use of it's back room, with the right to a high traffic corner to display brochures. Wherever you begin accepting new members we'll be there dues in hand. Check OK?