Screeches and Moans? I think not.

Saw that show on cable TV, researchers out in the bog, Bogey Creek, saying they had recorded some "thing" in the night. Screeches and moans no one there could identify. Perhaps they needed a musician. Or a linguist.
Our Furensic Linguists at the Idyll-Beast Research Center are publishing credible arguments that they have translated Beast discourse. Technical discussions about weather, climate, foraging, human activities, and of course, aromas.

Here are some of the findings:

Human Scientists call themselves Homo Sapiens Sapiens. Like we didn’t get the part about “smart” so we had to be told twice. If the Beasts had been consulted other names might have been put forward. “We could have lent a hand… oh, I’m sorry, animals don’t have hands.”
Some creatures use Homo Trespassus, Man that Goes Where He Is Not Wanted. Or man that knows he is always trespassing because he puts up so many fences.
There is the more blunt Homo Homicidis. Man the Man Killer. Ouch. “Old kill joy” is one you hear from time to time. And Homo Megalmaniacus. Man the Big Headed.
Most creatures polled consider “Homo Habilis” acceptable. “We got to hand it to you people, you really do know how to do things. Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t really have hands.”

Then there are discussions of the aroma of humans. Dogs definitely pro, foxes and deer and most other creatures not so much. “It depends on what they’ve been eating,” say others. And all those chemicals humans use to disguise their aromas. “P.U.” “If they just ate sensibly they wouldn’t need deodarant.”

One thing predators, herbivores and even scavengers agree upon: "Life is delicious."

Beasts do get steamed up about certain human expressions, especially our use of words like “beastly” and “brutal” to describe behavior more distinctly human than animal. Words like “animalistic,” movies like “Animal House.” Meaning bad behaviour.
Animals are sometimes cruel to one another (especially in captivity) but most only kill for eating purposes.
“Blame it on us, guys.”
“The Humane society, the place where they euthanize animals. We get that.”

The other apes are unimpressed by our efforts at political organization. “With us the shrieking dies down from time to time. Those people just never stop!”


One thing most Beasts take issue with is the so-called “Doctrine of Human Exceptionalism.” What exactly is so unique about you humans? Smarter? Maybe. But smart is as smart does.
Language? Most all animals (and members of the plant kingdom as well) are conducting ongoing experiments in the field. Male frogs found out a long time ago what kind of talk lady frogs like to hear. Eureka. Trees send chemicals around, warnings about pests and such.
Human writing? Well, most of it isn’t that good. And they say that if you give enough monkeys type writers you’ll find a Shakespeare. But you would need a lot of monkeys, and most monkeys have better things to do with their time than sitting in front of a typewriter all day.
Tools? Who are you calling tools? Chimps can do a bit of tool making. Birds too. Many animals are like living Swiss-Army Knives. The Platypus. It’s got that beak, those claws, that spiny fur. Lays eggs too. Beauty and utility.
But there’s not much time for engineering when those other beasts are so attractive. Animals are somewhat concerned about our pro-creation, however. “They’re so ugly, how can they even stand to do that. Face to face even.”


It’s hard to know whether they aren’t sometimes pulling our legs.
“Apes against evolution” is a group threatening pickets of school board meetings.
“The claim that humans descended from the higher apes is insulting nonsense,” say the primates. “We want our day in court!”