So it was this week when Idy started in with the questions:
“Where is Oklahoma?”
I was at that moment occupied with a vexing bit of lab maintenance, and the query sounded innocent enough; a vague generality seemed appropriate.
“Far away.”
Idy though for a moment and tried again; “Far away or very far?”
“A long ways, Idy. Hundreds of mile.” A ballpark estimate.
Idy still wasn’t satisfied. “How many hundreds?”
I have learned, over the years, that sometimes you have to address the concerns of others, even if they seem distant or abstract. One animal’s idle wondering may be another’s existential dilemna. So I put down the wrench and the faucet parts, extracted myself from under the sink, and pulled out the atlas. “Let’s see, one inch equals 400 miles… It’s about 800 miles at the closest point… as the crow flies.”
Idy mulled over this information for a moment. “That is pretty far.”
“What’s up Idy, you aren’t thinking of moving are you?”
“To Oklahoma, no, no. Gods and Monsters no.”
“What is it then?”
Idy grumbled a bit, and then from amidst his folds of luxurious golden fur produced a bit of newsprint. He proceeded to unfold it, and smoothed it out. The headline was a shock, but not, I confess, a surprise.
OKLAHOMA LAWMAKER INTRODUCES BILL TO CREATE “BIGFOOT” HUNTING SEASON
I took off my glasses and massaged my forehead. “Oh Idy, I’m so sorry. Where did you find this?”
Idy was now all inarticulate grunts and gestures, obviously not going to be distracted. I began a general explanation of the process by which a bill may become a law.
“Think of a bill as like…a mosquito egg. Most get eaten by fish or frogs, and we go around in the spring and turn over containers that have water in them. That’s like the legislative committee. Some hatch and turn into larvae, and fish and frogs eat those too. Think of that as the debate on the floor. Those that turn into mosquitos get eaten by birds or bats, think of that as the other house voting no, or the governor vetoing it. …”
Idy interrupted: “But every summer we still get bit!”
I tried again.
“Oklahoma has a House and a Senate, and they both have to vote yes on this…” Idy broke in again “But they are all Oklahomans!”
I tried another tack.
“Often the finished legislation bears little resemblance to the proposed bill. It says here the hunting might be limited to ‘non-lethal trapping.’”
My attempts to soothe Idy were having the opposite effect, he was getting more worked up.
“Maybe they should legalize non-lethal trapping of Legislators!”
“Easy now Idy, an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind!”
“OK, Homo sapiens, what do you suggest?”
“Maybe… a letter writing campaign…or postcards.”
“Suggesting the Legislators schedule their annual team-building workshop in the forest that weekend?”
“Oh, Idy, be careful with anything the post office might flag as threatening. It’s always better to come off as encouraging somehow.”
“Encourage them to…. take up birdwatching! ....Or kite flying!”
“Now your thinking Idy.. And remember, these people might be ‘non compos mentis’. It isn’t nice to browbeat people who aren’t quite right in the head or as fortunate as we are.. Always write as if you believe in someone, that they might do the right thing, that you might like them. Here is a picture of the representative who introduced the bill. He has a nice hat..."
“OK,…Dear Lawmaker; I like your hat.…”
“Good start. How about ‘Dear Cousin?’ Everybody in Oklahoma is cousins!”
“OK, 'Dear Cousin; I like your hat. Is law-making hard? It looks hard. About this Bigfoot Hunting thing; maybe declaring “open season” on each other isn’t the best idea. Maybe there would be benefits for all Oklahomans in declaring the week of the Honobia Bigfoot Festival “Oklahoma Bigfoot Friendship week?'”
“Now your’e on a roll Idy. Maybe… 'world famous and beloved Honobia Bigfoot Festival.' ”
“OK. And … ‘Local businesses could offer discounts to Bigfoot. People could roam the forests with delicious snacks. Maybe a Bigfoot calling contest with prizes.”
“That sounds about right. Now you need a nice complimentary closing.
“Looking forward to seeing you in the forest next October. Your friend, Idyll-Beast.”
“That’s great Idy! We'll give you a title...."Legislative Affairs Director, Idyll-Beast Research Center." Maybe we should send copies to all the Oklahoma Legislators."
For legislative affairs fans, here is the postcard. You can print it out and send it to members of the Oklahoma Legislature.
Dear Cousin
I like your hat. Is law-making hard? It looks hard.
About this Bigfoot Hunting thing; maybe declaring “open season” on each other isn’t the best idea. Maybe there would be benefits for all Oklahomans in declaring the week of your world famous and beloved Honobia Bigfoot Festival “Oklahoma Bigfoot Friendship Week.”
Local businesses could offer discounts to Bigfoot. People could roam the forests with delicious snacks. Maybe a Bigfoot calling contest with prizes.
Looking forward to seeing you in the forest next October.
Your friend,
Legislatyive Affairs Intern
Idyll-Beast Research Center
