It has been hard to get specifics
regarding the purported lawsuit “Idyll-Beast vs. Delicious Strangers, John and
Jane Does, Idyllwilders 1-3,000.” A search of county court records returned
inconclusive results, but as they say “absence of evidence is not evidence of
absence.”
Stories have been overheard at the
bar at Café Aroma; one defendant tried to have the case moved from “Limited
Civil” (under $25,000) to Superior Court. The defendant’s reasoning was that as
a Jazz musician he is of cultural value to the community, at least in the “high
six figures.” According to our source the judge denied the motion, ruling that
the suit was not about his value as an artist but as taco filler, and that even
allowing that his “well marbled flesh” might fetch the same price as Kobe beef,
this would still fall below the $25,000 thresh hold.
Other defendants are said to be
taking an opposite tack, starving themselves to deprive the Beast of any
nutritional value, or cause him to loose interest and drop the suit. This
strategy has resulted, so we hear, in a “motion to compel” the defendants to
continue eating, and, should they refuse nourishment, to be force-fed like foie
gras geese.
I can state categorically that the
suit was not filed by the Idyll-Beast Research Center, and the Beast himself
has denied initiating any legal action. When asked, the Idyll-Beast suggested
that suit was the work of
“…another animal, most likely an Attorney Vulture.” To those of you
unfamiliar with this unusual scavenger allow me to quote from the Audubon
guide:
“The Attorney
Vulture is unique among the buzzard family in its method of hunting. Having
chosen its prey from among the law-abiding denizens of the forest, the creature
files a frivolous lawsuit or sham pleading in the name of a puppet plaintiff,
choosing an easily confused and ostensibly indigent creature for this role. The
intended victim is then forced to respond to the suit and an ensuing barrage of
motions and interrogatories, dashing back and forth across the highway until,
if the Attorney-Vulture is lucky, they are struck by a speeding vehicle. The
Attorney Vulture can then dine at his leisure, but not before lamenting
hypocritically about the dangers of the legal system and the often-calamitous
effects of litigation.
Like most members of
the Buzzard Family the Attorney Vulture has a bald, featherless head to
facilitate gorging itself on the rotting carcasses of its prey. In keeping with
the tradition of the old English barristers, however, the birds are sometimes
known to sport a wig with a ponytail.
